I know you think I’m on the ropes, but the fact is that I’ve never been better. Not only am I completely on top of my game, I intend to get even more on top of it in the coming weeks, once I deal with the absolute mess I was handed. Reports of turmoil in my administration are so ludicrous that all I can do is sit back and laugh.
And when I laugh, I do so with a great deal of gusto, first tittering, then snickering and giggling, then chortling merrily, until my chortle morphs into an outright guffaw, at which point I double over and fall to the floor, struggling to breathe until I snort, which makes me laugh harder such that even some of the fake news media cackle, until my stomach muscles tense up and I find myself cramping big-league. Not that I don’t want to cramp up, because if I didn’t want to I simply wouldn’t. I’m one of the best people in the world at not cramping up unless I really want to. It’s a technique I have. Proprietary. My father passed it down to me and I’m passing it along to my kids and my Russian mistress. Finally, I laugh it all out, wipe away my tears, and then address fake news reports that I’ve come unhinged.
Having said that, I want to assure you that I’m up for any solution to whichever crisis has risen to the top on any given Sunday, be it North Korea, or Australia, or the Middle East, as along as all parties are in agreement. It can be one-state, two-state, five-state, whatever. Basically, I don’t care how many states are involved, except screw New York and California, as their illegal aliens came out in droves to vote for that crooked woman.
In the middle of a snowstorm in the Northeast, it’s hard to imagine how it ever made sense for Sister Verna, Sister Lena, and Sister Elizabeth to move from Hawaii to East Syracuse, NY in the 1960s to teach me and my scores of Catholic schoolmates reading, 'riting, 'rithmetic, and 'religion. I know they didn’t have access to all the great data we 21st century humans have at our fingertips about world climate stats or how to lose 50 pounds with this one simple trick, but surely someone explained that a perpetually wet and more often than not cold village in central New York State wasn’t going to be Hawaii.
First of all, if you move anywhere from Hawaii, you’re probably taking a step down. That said, there’s no reason to move to Siberia.
On the other hand, some people really believe in suffering. The Franciscan nuns of my childhood are kindred spirits with triathletes and wrestlers trying to make weight. Denying their basic human desires by taking vows of poverty, chastity and obedience is evidence enough of their willingness to inflict suffering on themselves, so why add being perpetually cold and damp?
You note that when I moved from Syracuse I ended up in Boston, where the weather isn’t much better. True. But if one must live in the cold and rain, it might as well be in a city that has major league baseball. This might explain Richard’s decision to move to New England from Olde Englande (probably not), but even he couldn’t take it any longer and now finds himself in San Diego. On a windswept day in February, that’s a move that seems perfectly sensible.
You always wanted to see this hardcore punk band, only to discover that it doesn’t exist. Makes you want to start a hardcore punk band just so you can call it Artic Sea Ice Death Spiral. Sorry, too late. I just formed my own hardcore punk band with that name.
The opening track on our debut album Out of Control is going to be called “Permafrost?” Notice the question mark. Believing that there is such a thing as permanently frozen anything on earth requires a person to ignore the long and fiery history of our planet.
I’m also planning to have the tracks “Reflective White Ice” and “Absorbent Blue Sea” listed side by side to provide contrasting moods. The album will end with the taut little gems “On the rocks” and “Greenhouse Gas Station.”
Since you can't use Arctic Sea Ice Death Spiral, why don't you try Executive Takeout Order?
That phone call you and I had today? That was the worst. I mean it was a real stinker. I just wanted you to know that.
By the way, I’ve been hearing about this Eleanor Roosevelt, and I have to say, she’s doing a great job! This is what happens when people, women even! roll up their sleeves and get to work. And I think we should all be very very proud of that last sentence I just wrote. I know I am.
Look, we’re gonna do deals, believe me, so don’t get so uptight just because of a little snipe here or there via Twitter.
And by the way, I’d lose those shoes.