PATRICK MCVAY

WRITER

My Musings

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Who You Calling A Bubble?

For the longest time now, I thought I knew what Bubble Tea was. It’s tea with bubbles, right? I drink a lot of water with bubbles, a.k.a. seltzer, but never tea with bubbles. But it was cold out and I was at Tealuxe in Harvard Square, so I reached into my wallet and found an extra 99 cents to hand over, and demanded in no uncertain terms that my China Oolong be given the gift of bubbles.

Maybe you didn’t know this, but Bubble Tea is a terrible misnomer. The drink I was given was as flat as the day is long, except it contained these macadamia-sized tapioca globules that came shooting up the straw and into my mouth unexpectedly. The first pellet to alight on my tongue caused such a shock that I immediately spat it into my partially closed fist and threw the spheroid into the gutter right there in full few of all the geniuses that populate the square. (Everyone here is a genius, including the street people.) Through the magic of google and my phone, I was able to ascertain that the Bubble Tea doesn’t contain bubbles, but giant beads of tapioca, and I was probably not being poisoned.

The experience was unhappy but wasn’t a total failure. I’m now determined to create my own carbonated tea and, to further confuse matters, plan to call it Globule Tea. Keep your eyes peeled for my Kickstarter page.

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Behind The Wheel

My kids hear that 1-877-Kars4Kids radio ad almost as often as you do, except it doesn’t annoy them the way it annoys you. Instead, it shakes them from their midday drowse, as I drive them from activity to activity, and makes them think, “Yeah, what the heck, why don’t we kids have cars?”

And why don’t they? It’s just like us adults to have all the cars, leaving them with none. Think about the children!

They threatened legal action as any children would do, so I explained that it’s just a charity trying to get people to donate their old, used cars to raise money for needy kids (or something). Entirely deflated by this news, they soon returned to their torpor, and me to my chauffeuring duties.

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Frank In A Car, You're On The Air

It’s time for media outlets to do away with all the pundits, political journalists, and other experts on their payrolls and from here on out do interviews only with “likely voters.” These average Joes are so strident and self-assured about their uninformed positions that it’s completely refreshing.

That they don’t get mired in the complexities of issues makes them even more lovable. Political types are always trying to confuse and complicate, when all you need to know is who is going to raise taxes, who is rigging the system, and who isn’t afraid to use our country’s ample supply of nukes to wipe out whole nations.

Also, pundits continually fail to mention who Jesus would be voting for if he decided to come back to earth. The average voter always knows Jesus’s positions and votes accordingly.

Jessica from Miami, Ralph from Iowa, Peter from Idaho – where are you? Please get yourself to your local NPR affiliate ASAP, ask for a mic, and remind everyone that you vote.

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Key Issues

What is it with vacation rental landlords and their nonchalant treatment of keys? Doesn’t every burglar worth his salt immediately search under the welcome mat, atop the door jamb, or inside the grill for keys when they want to rob a place? Because that’s where they always seem to be.

I’m sure you’re not one of those people. Instead, you use a phony rock to hide your key in, except your phony rock looks surprisingly like a malformed hunk of plastic.

If I were a burglar, I’d start a movement in which burglar-friends of mine and I break into homes (with easily found keys) and instead of stealing anything, we watch an NFL game, cooking up some grub, maybe have a couple beers whilst knitting (because my burglar friends are always kitting!). Later, we crash in the beds and snore the night away without a care in the world (not that we snore).

My only question involves how to properly document this burglar-art project and save it for future generations to discover and learn from.

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The New Look, Feel, and Smell

Suddenly, just when you were finally getting comfortable with my website, I go and reorganize information into 3 columns instead of just two, add links to other sites (right hand column, scroll down a bit), and install a tag cloud (just below it) that's claims to be unused. Why?! “The next thing you know he’ll be running ads!” Read On

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