Did you get a chance to submit your design for the border wall between the US and Mexico? They were due April 4 to the Department of Homeland Security. I submitted mine. It’s a deceptively complicated plan, even more complicated than this teeter totter wall designed by Ronald Rael and Virginia San Fratello.
My wall is also going to be interactive as it calls for having lots of false doors built into it. And I don’t mean a door here or there; my wall will be nothing but doors, one right after the other, section after section, mile after mile, except that 99.99+% of the doors will open to reveal – you guessed it, a concrete wall. So when one of those bad hombres we’re always hearing about (or a child who is trying to escape gang conscription in his home country) comes upon this wall of doors and pulls on the handle, he is going to be momentarily thrilled when the door actually opens, then emotionally crushed when he sees that it's really a door to nowhere.
Is this art? You tell me. I think it is, and consequently submitted the design plan not just to Homeland Security, but also to the NEA. I was informed, however, that first of all if I’m going to use bad hombres and children escaping violence in my performance art/border wall, the door-pullers are technically performers and will need to be paid prevailing wages, and will also need to sign release forms. Secondly, given efforts to shut down the NEA, don’t count on them contributing to this art of mine.
Needless to say, if I’m going to go through all the trouble of release forms and prevailing wages, I’m going to want to make my wall design even artier. For example, I’ll put some revolving doors in my wall so that technically the bad hombres can step onto US soil (if you think of the border as razor thin, such that you can actually straddle it). Aha, but then they discover that there is no outlet to the American side's unforgiving desert wastelands! There will also be automatic doors like on The Starship Enterprise that open to reveal 2-foot thick concrete, and even some bifold doors like we all used to have as kids in the 1970s, which were constantly coming off their tracks. Who’s going to fix these when they come off their tracks? As far as I’m concerned that's Mexico’s problem.
Finally, somewhere in my wall of millions of doors, I’m going to secretly install a door, maybe two, that will actually open into the US. I can just imagine how shocking it will be for whomever is lucky enough to have opened the correct door and suddenly finds herself in America. I think we should leave a care package at the door, better yet have a personal valet waiting there to greet the visitor to our country, along with a lawyer, ready to help fill out immigration forms.
Just wait ‘til you see what I have planned for the US-Canada wall.
As this is the time of year when we citizens gather up our documents to ascertain whether we have more taxes to pay or are due a refund, it’s only natural for a person to lift his spirits by cranking the tunes during the unhappy process. Classic Rock stations play George Harrison’s “Taxman” over and over on April 15, but to my mind there is a more apropos tax-themed song, especially if you don’t happen to agree with the current administration in power (or didn’t agree with it in 2004, when we were mired in an elective foreign war). Go ahead and find me a better pick-me-up song that this one, by Sharon Jones:
In a hugely unfortunate stroke of ridiculous bad luck, we humans lost the incomparable Sharon Jones last fall (at just sixty years of age for crying out loud!) to that damnable pancreatic cancer. (Remind me not to get that one, as it’s quick and unforgiving). She was just getting a foothold on the music world; friends of mine had passed up opportunities to see her because they figured that there were plenty of opportunities in the future. Just like there are plenty of opportunities for me to see PJ Harvey. Like two weeks from now. Except, wait, I’ll be in Italy when she next appears in Boston. Why the hell does it never work out?
As much as I pity the world for its loss of Sharon Jones (sorry, you ol’ world), I feel a little worse for the Dap-Kings, who had found the perfect front person for their groovy sound, and now must be scratching their heads about what to do next. If they happen to tour again, with some other front person, or just on their own, I strongly encourage you to see them, as they have a great sound and surely could use a pick-me-up, after having donated so many pick-me-ups of their own over the years.
Sure, Neil Gorsuch may be known as a wildly intelligent jurist with a history of favoring corporations over individuals, but did you know that he is an expert wire-tapper and is known to have personally performed several abortions? What’s more, he has an unbelievably wonderful wife, which is not fake news at all as it came directly from the horse’s ass. Sorry, I mean mouth.
Additionally, his kids are just out of this world. They are absolutely stellar, absolutely stellar. Frankly you should wish you had a family half as tremendous as Neil Gorsuch’s. Did you know that he has an aunt who is just incredibly delightful? I mean she is not to be believed.
And then there are the riotously fantastic nieces and nephews, the inconceivably amazing cousins, the astonishingly magnificent half-siblings, and the marvelously breathtaking dog.
For whatever reason, the horse’s mouth didn’t mention the quality of the Gorsuch cat(s).
One thing that drives me crazy about you people in the press is the way you take things I say so damned literally.
When a meteorologist on TV tells you that you’re going to get 12-18 inches of snow with blizzard conditions, do you take her literally? Why, then, are you taking me literally when I say that Canadians pose a threat to our way of life? I didn’t mean every Canadian, just the ones who pose a threat to our way of life. (Which, believe me, is a LOT of them!)
Would you take me literally if I said that Vladimir Putin has excellent taste in beer? Or that he and I spent a weekend just drinking homebrew that he and I made, while talking about how he keeps his skin in such great condition, so white and hairless? That is, he made his home brew and I made mine, and then we shared them. See, you probably thought that he and I literally made homebrew together, or actually met.
No wonder the American public is so sick of you!