PATRICK MCVAY

WRITER

A Nice Ride Ruined

 

Many people know that I expend thousands of pedal stokes each time I commute to and from work, but they may not know that I am mostly doing nothing during those rides but enjoying a rich inner dialogue. That's about to change. I have decided to double book those commuting hours by using my phone’s speech-to-text feature to pen a classic novel while pedaling ferociouly and talking to myself.

But what kind of novel can a person write while on a vigorous bike ride across town? Turns out a pretty good one, based on the outline in my head. I don’t want to divulge any of the details, except to say that it involves an evil stepdaughter.

Now I’ve gone and done it! The evil stepdaughter part was meant to come as a surprise. What was I thinking? She is so funny and sympathetic early on – you’d have loved her! Everything is going swimmingly until she loses her standup comedy gig to a Syrian refugee. Forced to move in with her old Uncle Mort to save on rent, and with no outlet to release her dry sense of humor, she begins to amuse herself by manipulating the old man’s faith in his own cognitive powers by screwing with his mind: taking official documents he receives in the mail, like tax bills, and shredding them before he sees them; putting his keys and phone and wallet in odd places, like the butter drawer of the fridge or inside the toaster oven; claiming that he’s already told her things several times even when that would be impossible. “How could I have told you 20 minutes ago that your cell phone is ringing right now?”

Ah well…Even if I wanted to publish that novel (and honestly I don’t, so please stop bugging me about it!) the wind has already been sucked out of my motivational sails, so to speak. However, if I revisit the idea in a year or two, would you mind pretending that you don’t remember the part about the evil stepdaughter?

Homophonia
Museum of Styptic Pencils
 

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Saturday, 26 May 2018

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Must go nuclear option.

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COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF'S TROPHY

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