You’ve never seen the band Antibalas, but that’s because you’re not managing your rock show life carefully enough. A less generous person might even say that you’re being lazy. Just because you’re in your 50s, it’s a weeknight, and you have two elementary school kids, what, you can’t see a band? Sorry to hear that you’re “tired.” The rest of us are tired as well, but we’re willing to go the extra mile to see a multicultural Afro-beat group with a great vibe and not a little bit of “pay back Africa” attitude.
The way you apparently can’t go to rock shows these days reminds me of how you “can’t ride a bike to work” because you don’t want to arrive at the office sweaty. Hey, I arrive at the office sweaty all the time, and by the looks I get I can tell you that my office colleagues love it! Similarly, I see bands all the time (i.e. 3 times a year), and do you know the kind of Twitter traffic I get?
Let me put it to you this way: I have no idea. Because I don’t tweet. But, as I stated in a previous post, in the future I’m going to tweet the living daylights out of you and everyone else in the world. Kim Jong Trump and I are going to battle for tweeting supremacy, and I’m going to kick their butts.
One thing I learned from the Antibalas show: there are many more of you tired/lazy middle aged guys out there than there are of me and my friend Mark, such that Antibalas didn’t sell out the Paradise Rock Club. If I had to guess (or, rather, since I have to guess), they could have fit another 400 people into the little venue. I’m not complaining; Mark was late and the sparse attendance meant that he could slip right up front to where I was without anyone stressing out, and midway through the show I could make a beer run. Not that I drink beer.
My friend Steve wrote a dissertation (and by that I don’t mean just a long and boring ax-grinding diatribe, but an actual Ph.D. dissertation) in which he observed that racial integration in the workplace existed in the form of jazz and other bands, where there was a long history of blacks and whites working together. Antibalas is an excellent example of that kind of interracial cooperation.
Come to think of it, the racial makeup of Antibalas reminds me a little of the band Defunkt, which I saw a few times back in the day. On the very unlikely chance that you never had a chance to see Defunkt, here they playing a concert in Germany in 1984.
If you ever pitch to me and I discover that you’re out of shape and have a bad knee, I’m going to lay a bunt down the third base line that will expose to millions of people watching television that you’re totally unable to throw me out.
I’m speaking metaphorically, of course, as you and I rarely find ourselves in head-to-head matchups any longer, and anyway, you can’t get the ball over the plate. Nor can I bunt. But even knowing this, you get all bent out of shape each time I metaphorically square up.
If you really hate it that much why don’t you just throw at me?
I doubt it will be a problem to get out of the way of your 45 mile-an-hour “fast” ball. And anyway, I’ll be wearing military helmet and bullet-proof face shield. And I’ll deploy a missile defense system to shoot down your softballs, just in case.
One or two columnists might write a few inches calling us both jerks, but many people (mostly lawyers) will defend me vociferously, saying that I’m just doing my job by laying down that proverbial bunt. And that, let’s face it, you’re not exactly spritely any longer.
Heading to the proverbial batting cages to work on my metaphorical squaring up, and all that.
People often ask my agents how many statues I own. Like my agents are really going to answer that question! Of course, their non-answers cause the imagination of the average person to run wild with possibilities. Rumors get started about the large number of monuments to past historical figures I have erected right there in my backyard, and which of them I’m going to get rid of at bargain basement prices.
“I’ve heard he’s got statues of Jean-Claude Killy and Raymond Flynn!”
Sorry, not selling those so just get the idea out of your head. Anyway, most people have their own statues of Ray Flynn. Or at least one or two statuettes, or a bobblehead, or just an old cracked wallet photo.
But the fake lies of the news media make it seem like I’m the only person in the world to have life sized statues of both Bill Clinton and George Clinton in his garden. Yeah, right! I’d like to go into the backyards of some these reporters and see who they're honoring. Probably war heros who really aren't war heros at all because they got captured. In fact I bet you'd find some very bad people being honored. On both sides.
Not to change the subject, but have I told you that my winery is one of the largest in the country?
If you’re like me, you’ve never lost a password in your life. Or a critical file. Because you backup everything several times a week, just in case. And when the IT people at work offer to upgrade your computer to a more recent operating system, you know not to panic, even though it means that everything on that computer will be erased.
Anyway, it’s not like you don’t know the password of your very own website. Like, if you wanted to go into your website and post a blog, you would be able to do so from anywhere in the world on any computer because your password is stored in your own physical memory up there in your powerful brain.
The above cautionary tale will help you understand why I’m so relieved that mhp multimedia developed and supports my website. Because Stephen Wilcox, founder of mhp multimedia and all-around great guy, quickly fixed my headaches and had me logging into my site, which allowed me to post this blog entry.
I’m sure you’ve been thinking about starting your own blog to compete with mine (good luck with that!), but I’m so confident my blog will kick your blog’s butt that I challenge you to a “blog off.” But first, you probably should contact Steve to see what he can do to get you set up.