PATRICK MCVAY

WRITER

Extended Family

     Sometimes, amid the swirl of daily life, my four year old daughter will report that her friend “Sally” is visiting. It’s never clear when Sally arrived nor when she intends to depart, but that’s to be expected when you’re dealing with a child whose background is as shrouded in mystery as Sally’s is. This invisible girl reveals as little as possible about herself, including where she is sitting from moment to moment, such that I am occasionally scolded for planting my fat parental bottom right on her. The little we know of Sally has emerged from interviews with my daughter, who has disclosed that her friend lives with grandparents because her parents have died, though of what it’s unclear. We know that Sally is the same height and age as my daughter, and, in all likelihood, has a similar inability to remember the babysitter’s name. 

     Recently, we took the kids to Storyland in New Hampshire, and when I was getting them ready for bed, my daughter informed me that Sally had dibs on the bottom bunk. After that, she was never again mentioned, and it occurs to me now that I might be accused of having left the defenseless lass at the rental condo with nothing to eat but two overpriced bags of granola that I forgot to pack, and a head of lettuce that by now may be rotting in the crisper. Perhaps my daughter will confront me about this at some point, and I’ll suggest that Sally’s grandparents spirited her away while my daughter was having an extended visit to the bathroom, as she likes to do. One thing we know: Sally didn’t make the trip to the Flume Gorge.

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The Power of Persuasion

     Over the years, I’ve learned to be assertive when I'm absolutely certain of something. As you mature, you find that convincing the other side that you’re right is at least half about your performance in the moment. The rest of it is stuff like facts.

     For example, my first grade son recently transferred to his pre-K sister’s Boston public school, and we thought, the little one can’t ride the bus alone, but now that they’re together, let’s put them on. We were going to ease them into it over the course of a few weeks, but they seemed ready, so the other day I said, “You guys take the bus and I’ll meet you there on my bike.”

     When we got outside, the bus was already rounding the corner at the stop a block away. I flagged down the driver as the bus approached, and he reluctantly stopped. I asked if he was going to my kids’ school, and he said yes. Good, I said. These kids are meant to be on this bus. He was doubtful. “Do you have the paper?” Of course not, no, because my son, see, my son just transferred into this school. The system doesn’t work that fast to get us the letter or whatever. But he is meant to be on this bus! I wasn’t angry or anything, but I made sure he understood: they are going to be picked up, by you, one block up the road starting next week.

     Of course, if he wished, he could take them now, right there in the middle of the street. “Uh, sure.” It was very reasonable. He is taking kids to the same school that my two youngsters attended, and I, the father of these children, am there to assert that this is indeed their bus.

     At this point, as my little 4-year old daughter started climbing the stairs confidently, 3 girls around 10 years of age gathered at the front of the bus after hearing the commotion, and begin babbling. I can’t understand babble because I’m rock-deaf, but eventually came to understand that this bus was going to the “upper school” for the 4th through 8th graders, not the “lower school” where my kids went.  The two "sites" of this one school are about a mile and a half apart.

     This is an excellent example of how persuasion can overpower careful thinking.

 

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Petit Mass

Many years ago, when I was fresh out of school, I thought it would be worth fishing for jobs that I wasn’t exactly qualified for, and immediately found several to apply to. One was to be a proofreader at Fidelity (or maybe it was Putnam – I can’t recall). There are jobs out there you can talk your way into – sandwich guy at a sub shop; clothes washer at a Laundromat – and I’d held several of these. But this job wasn’t like those. You had to possess specific skills, such as being able to spell.

In grade school, I was a small-time champion speller, vying with 2 or 3 other kids for top honors in my class of about 25 . Occasionally, I’d even win a bee, unless the teacher threw a curve ball at me and only accepted “racquet” as the correct spelling for the piece of sports equipment you swing at a tennis ball. But this was the real world now, and getting paid required that I be able to spell “annuity,” and know that “benchmark” was one word, not two. Actually, it wasn’t the real world. The real world allows you to use reference works like dictionaries to help with spelling. But in this case, I was given a page and a half document to edit with no dictionary nor access to the internet (anyway, it was like 1987). The one thing I can recall vividly from that pop quiz was pondering for quite a long time the question of how to spell Massachusetts. I’d lived in the Commonwealth for upwards of 5 years at that point, and couldn't amble through town for a minute without seeing the word printed everywhere, but the more I looked at it, the more it looked wrong.  So I decided to cross it out and spell it "Massachusettes."  Approximately two minutes after walking out of that "interview," I pulled out of my jacket pocket a pack of -- oh no! -- cigarettes!  The state I lived in would surely rhyme with these lung snacks if that extra "e" I added belonged in the word, I thought.

Little surprise that I didn’t get that (or any other) proofreading job.

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Classic Signage

When I think of things that are “classic,” I think of cars made in the 1950s and one liners delivered by Henny Youngman. Wine vintages can be classic. Artistic eras. Rock music. People like to apply it to questionable behavior, when so-and-so got drunk and puked at a black-tie dinner, and it was “just classic.” In my neighborhood, there is a “Classic Car Wash and Propane.”
Classic-Car-WashThis place is just classic too. The propane in particular. I grill using that propane, and let me tell you, it’s truly classic. I’m not sure about the car wash because I never use it, but just looking at how popular it is and all the attendants around it taking cash, I think, yes, it very likely is classic. The one thing I don’t understand is why the gasoline isn’t classic. Isn’t an independent gas dealer these days the very definition of classic? Anyway, this has prompted me to go around my house identifying things that are classic, like the sheet of copy paper that’s taped to the ceiling in our office. Not only is this a classic example of my not having dealt with certain of this house’s aesthetic and operational shortcomings, but the previous owner’s taping of a piece of copy paper to the ceiling to cover an improperly recessed junction box is, I would submit, simply classic.

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Trumpian Tweetage Haiku Continuum

 

 

NBC FAKE NEWS
The Harvey Weinstein Story
Look at their license?

 

Investigations
Republican Congressmen
Two wins now in doubt.

 

Dems love Sessions now
Same thing: lyin' James Comey
Saint-like. Really sick.

 

Russia: "nothing to
do with meddling." Why isn't
Hillary looked at?

 

The Special Counsel
Is UNCONSTITUTIONAL
I’ve done nothing wrong

 

 

The phony witch hunt

The soon to be released book
Looks like a big hit

 

Fake News Media

Together with the witch hunt:

My best poll numbers

 

“Caravans” coming

Must go nuclear option.

NO MORE DACA DEAL!

 

We don’t have a wall

Not going to have a country

FUND THE BORDER WALL

 

Trade Wars are good and

Easy to win. They get cute?

Don't trade; we win big!

 

Gun-adept coaches

Weapons-talented teachers

Instantly Shooting

 

Promote the Fake Book

Mentally Deranged Author

False Information

 

Now that collusion

With Russia: a total hoax

FBI/Russia

 

Kim Jong Un, I too

Have a nuclear button.

And my button works.

 

 

Tax cut/Reform bill

Massive Alaska Drilling

Incredible Year

 

 

United Nations

Sanctions on North Korea

World wants Peace, not Death

 

 

False Accusations.

Women I don't know. FAKE NEWS!

Collusion. Russia.

 

Army Navy Game

COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF'S TROPHY

Congratulations

 

Pelosi/Schumer

He's bad on Crime, Life, Border.

Vets. Guns. VOTE ROY MOORE!

 

 

Time Magazine Called

Prob'ly "Person of the Year"

I took a pass. Thanks!

 

The Christmas Story

Mother, Father, Baby Son

Jesus Christ. Bahrain.

 

Matt Lauer just fired

When will top executives

Be fired for Fake News? 

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