Google continues to make everything in the world searchable, including my very own rear end. Past “Street View” images of my modest home have exposed the careless treatment of our rubbish barrels by trash collectors, but otherwise show no evidence of our address’s human occupants; the current version shows the entire family, minus the cat. I wish we were doing something exciting, like building a rocket ship or standing as one atop a soap box and hollering political slogans through a bullhorn, but, alas, ours is shown to be a standard-issue, mundane American family life: my son is in our tiny yard, searching for something to snag with his butterfly net; my wife is chilly, wearing a spring sweater while everyone else on the street is clad in shorts and t-shirts; my daughter is on the sidewalk in her pink sandals, directing me to do this and that; and I am bent over at the waist with my bottom stuck out, as though waiting to be caned for spitting on a Singaporean street. With that kind of posture, is it any wonder that my back is so sore? Even our laundry is aired in the latest Google images, hanging on the line in the side-yard. Mercifully, no one’s underpants can be seen.
Thirty feet up the road, we have disappeared, as has the pickup truck in front of our house. My car is facing in the opposite direction, and my wife’s car is now visible. Somehow, hours (or days) have passed. Continue half a block more, and you can see my neighbor walking his dog and carrying a plastic bag of poo-poo.
My curiosity gets the best of me: 300 miles away, my nephews are playing basketball in their driveway in upstate New York; in Rhode Island, my buddy’s suburban lawn has been newly mowed; friends in Bethesda, MD, still driving their red Saab 900, have failed to pick up the morning paper from their driveway; in Minnesota, a dear friend’s home has a 3 car garage! (I’d have known this, he’d be quick to point out, if I ever bothered visiting).
No doubt, somewhere else in the world, Google Maps has a Street View image of some guy taking a leak against a brick wall. If sued for this image, Google will point out that the man’s privates are distorted beyond recognition. Unfortunately for Google users, the same cannot be said of my bum.