PATRICK MCVAY

WRITER

Harry: Crazy Uncle

News of “hairy crazy ant” swarms in the hundreds of millions led me to wonder if at any point in my life I have had a hairy, crazy aunt (no), or hairy, crazy uncle (no), or even a crazy uncle named Harry (I don’t think so). However, this got me to thinking about a sort of “black box theater” play someone should write. It’s about Harry, a Midwestern folksy guy in his late sixties, who loses his wife of 35 years and decides to pick up and move to New York. He arrives unannounced at the upper east side doorstep of his nephew, his only known relative, who hears the doorbell and spies the uncle from the window of his studio loft, where he’s banging some chick making passionate love to his fiancé.

The nephew can’t make out who the hell is down there ringing the buzzer, but he can see it’s a guy in a fedora, so clearly it’s not something he wants to deal with while his naked Israeli fiancé is there pawing at him. But then, the old man looks up and catches Ralph’s naked eye, and Ralph has no choice but to go down to see him.

Harry tells Ralph and Rebbekka (the fiancé) that Bea, Harry’s spouse of more than 35 years, has died, and he didn’t know what to do or where to go. Ralph is like, “You’re gonna have a great life, Uncle Harry. She was dragging you down anyway, the old bat!” But he’s misremembering this: the old bat was not his Aunt Bea, but rather his evil foster mother, whose name I haven’t yet decided on. Rebbekka is shocked by Ralph’s coarseness, and smacks him big-time, which is a problem because these two get hot for each other when they start slapping each other around.

Ralph and Rebbekka put Harry up for the time being, expecting that it can’t last long, but the days stretch into weeks, with Harry lying around in his boxer shorts and dark socks on the sofa where he’s crashing. Slowly he descends into a kind of couch-and-tv-fueled psychosis. Having this crazy old lump on the couch is a huge bummer, such that Ralph and Rebbekka snipe at each other and sometimes smack each other around, which makes them want to go to bed together, which just makes things worse because they can’t with the old man hanging out in their partition-free loft. Finally, Ralph learns that Harry is sitting on a cool 5 million dollars from some very savvy investing and divesting, slaps him around little, and finds him his own pad to rent.

Sparsely set, this play will make use of spotlights on the three characters, and well as rumbles of thunder and sudden bursts of lightning that blind the audience (just to mix it up a little). Note: the actors will be required to perform nude during some of the lightning scenes, such that we glimpse their bodies for fractions of seconds before being blinded for a quarter of a minute. The two young actors playing Ralph and Rebbekka should have hot bodies.

No Room
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Monday, 16 July 2018

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