The various "cleanse" diets out there have got me to thinking about developing my own diet, which I am dubbing the “Chow-Down to Triumph” diet. This diet is a little hard to follow, particularly when you get into day 3 and you know you’ve got another 7 to get through. Time to bite the bullet. With a little effort you can do it!
Each day of the Chow-Down to Triumph diet is separated into 11 distinct mealtimes, as follows (with examples of the kinds of meals you’ll be expected to consume in each instance):
Pre-breakfast: Steaming concoction of equal parts espresso and whole milk, sweetened with a heaping teaspoon of sugar, in bed, while reading the paper in a leisurely manner; French cruller for dipping into coffee.
Breakfast: egg yolk, feta-cheese, and caramelized onion omelet; beef carpaccio; 2 rashers of bacon; black and white pudding; heavily buttered sourdough loaves; Extra-Salt V-8.
Post-breakfast: hot coffee; doughnut holes.
Ten-minute period of fasting.
Pre-Lunch: artisanal cheese board; sparkling cider.
Lunch: fruity shake consisting of pineapple, orange, mango, kiwi, whatever else is lying around, blended with freshly whipped cream. Side of hummus and pita (as much as you’d like).
Post-Lunch: artisanal sausage board; sparkling hard cider.
Rest Period: smoky tea; meerschaum pipe by the fire; bowl of artisanal chocolates.
Snack: artisanal chips and guacamole.
Pre-dinner: Mini martini to whet the appetite; fried pork potstickers and a tankard of ale.
Dinner: Oversize spicy maki with tempura flecks; more tankards of ale; braised short ribs over mashed accompanied by a well-breathed 2001 Ribera Del Duero that you’ve been aging in your cellar for 4 years; hot pie with a huge scoop of ice cream; 10-year old port; espresso.
Post-dinner: peaty, single-malt highland scotch; artisanal jalapeno poppers.
At the end of day 1, you realize that you just have to sleep off such a huge intake of food and liquid. Your body will demand that you settle into bed for the next 36 hours. Call in sick and steel yourself: the process repeats itself 4 more times, starting on days 3, 5, 7, and 9.