New Creative Nonfiction "Audio Art"
In this new "radio play" (such an old fashioned concept!) that I’m not going to have to write because it’s going to write itself, a verbally sniping couple are in the midst of a bitter divorce and plan to sell their house to divide up the assets. The problem is that although there is a lot of interest, the house has a strange quirk that prevents anyone from making an offer. It seems that you can only enter the kitchen by walking up a set of 3 steps onto a landing, then down the other side. What the heck?!
Let’s face it, this is why the wife and husband are getting divorced, as the wife didn’t really want to house in the first place due to the odd access to the kitchen, but was goaded into buying it by her husband, the knucklehead! This, despite the fact that some previous owner had blocked off a key route to the kitchen by installing a half bath on the first floor.
The couple, who are barely on speaking terms, decide to do an open house and have friends come in and pose as buyers. The phony prospective “buyers” are there to have private conversations rather too loudly: “Move the bathroom 90 degrees so you can have a pass through from the library. Put a center island here. Have a mudroom over there.” Etc.
Well, before you know it, there are numerous offers, as buyers have now overheard how to fix the kitchen-access problem. A bidding war ensues. Except guess who is involved in the bidding war? Both pairs of phony buyers! These people have done such thorough thinking about the flow conundrum and various work-arounds for it that they simply must have this house! As a result, the sellers find themselves refereeing a rather unseemly battle between former friends.
In the end, the sellers don’t end up selling anything, deciding that a renovation would fix their house and repair their marriage.
Expect this to be a “Friday Play” on the BBC Radio 4 in the next 3 or so years.