I’m sure you’re wondering how my brewing life is going these days, so let me tell you: it's going tremendously well! Did you know that I’ve been voted “homebrewer most likely to believe he’s going to brew commercially in an old barn?” And no, I don’t own a barn. (Yet!)
But I do own a Grainfather. If you don’t know what one is, would you believe that it’s a new, consumer-level brewing device that enables you to make fantastic beer just by sprinkling magic beer dust into fresh water, and then bottling? Hopefully not, as that would expose your gullibility. I’m told that the technology to concoct magic beer dust is still several years away. Needless to say, I’m working on my own version of magic beer dust in my beer laboratory. I think we can all agree that America can’t be made great again without a drinkable version of instant, powdered beer.
In the meantime, there is the Grainfather, a device that steeps grains to extract sugars and then boils the wort, all in one chamber, before pumping out the precious liquid gold through a chiller and into a fermenter. It’s practically like magic beer dust!
I suppose, actually, that the closest thing we humans have to magic beer dust is dry malt extract, which certainly is dusty, and, when mixed with fresh, clean Quabbin Reservoir water and inoculated with a dose of dry yeast, is magically transformed into beer.
(But the grainfather is still much better).
There may be thousands of qualified pit masters out there capable of smoking their way through an animal’s ribcage or some other gnarly cut of meat, but I’ve narrowed down my advice-taking to just two sources: Meathead Goldwyn of the site amazingribs.com and the BBQ Pit Boys.
The biggest difference between these two ambassadors of outdoor cookery is that Amazingribs.com has more science and requires you to read, while the BBQ Pit Boys have a widely-followed YouTube channel and look like members of the band ZZ Top when they throw a few frogs on the grill. Also, I’m not sure that Meathead has ever cooked either a reptile or an amphibian. Having eaten alligator once (on Sanibel, an island within the boundaries of Florida that is nevertheless entirely bereft of strip malls), I can’t see myself ever seeking out one of these critters for my grill.
Of course, once you begin surfing the ‘net, you’re basically allowing your every move to be tracked by search engines and their evil advertising funders (“it’s part of the unwritten contract”). And so the internet, having observed me seeking countless recipes, has begun to direct me to online methods for cutting up live lobsters, rendering squid into sashimi in a less than five minutes, and so forth.
Soon to come: my suggestions for pairing frogs’ legs with Belgian Ales.
I recently fantasized in these pages about brewing a mustard ale. Imagine being the first person in the world to acheive a particular feat, as I was scheming to do by brewing a beer using mustard. Pride would have dripped from my pores like mash through a sieve. Alas, I’ve once again learned that when it comes to beer, never claim you can beat the Belgians at it.
I suppose it’s time to rethink my next beer and moniker. Perhaps “Horseradish Pat” is where I should be headed. Next task: brew horseradish ale.
The New Look, Feel, and Smell
Suddenly, just when you were finally getting comfortable with my website, I go and reorganize information into 3 columns instead of just two, add links to other sites (right hand column, scroll down a bit), and install a tag cloud (just below it) that's claims to be unused. Why?! “The next thing you know he’ll be running ads!” Read On
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Produce This Audio Play!
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