You’re probably wondering if I ever enjoy a glass of red wine. Sure, now and again. I am not, however, obsessed with the life-affirming nectar, peering through a goblet held to the light to observe the density of a newly opened bottle, bathing the inside of the glass with the purple-hued fluid such that the luscious juices finger back down into the inviting pond of carefully crafted spirits. I mean, sometimes I do that. Okay, often. Like, daily.
A former graduate student at a certain well-known institution of higher education I’m affiliated with (no, not Boston College) once told me that the wines in a particular region of Spain smell like sheep’s testicles. If that doesn’t prompt a fellow run out to his nearest “packy” to buy a few bottles, what does? You may be surprised to learn that this was the very first time anyone had ever used the phrase “sheep’s testicles” in my office. (Fact checkers, please note: I’m willing to admit that this graduate student might not have said, exactly, “Wines in my home region of Spain smell like sheep’s testicles.” It was probably more like, “Wine experts are able to identify 50 distinct aromas in Spanish wines, including the peculiar scent that is given off by the nuts of our local sheep.” Actually, he wouldn’t have said “nuts” either.) Needless to say, even if a wine vaguely suggests the scent of sheep’s testicles, most wine dealers are loathe to highlight that in their literature.
Now, I come to find out that Clos Fantine Tradition Faugères 2011 presents, according to New York City’s Le Du’s Wines, with “kirsch liqueur, violets, mustard seed, horseradish, and fried chicken skin on the nose.” When I first read this, my reaction was that fried chicken skin was not an aroma I wished to smell in my glass of wine. Upon further reflection, however, I have to admit it beats sheep’s balls.
One way I think I might promote my mustard reviews, when they start to happen, is to produce a talk show in which I serve as host and chat with some of the world’s greatest luminaries and pop stars about mustard. Unlike all those unimaginative talk shows out there (Fresh Air, On Point), my talk show would never deviate from this one, key subject. The unwillingness on my part to compromise in order to get anything not done will ensure that I become (eventually) the darling of some quirky political group that emerges from the woods of Vermont, where I will own a house purchased with money that I will have made by selling ads alongside my mustard reviews (again, when I start to write them).
Can you imagine talking mustard with Beyoncé? How about Mikhail Gorbachev? I can and often do. I’ve imagined myself talking mustard with so many huge celebrities that I quickly become a celebrity myself, dressing in outfits that are various shades of mustard when I show up at world premieres (yes, even a mustard tuxedo!). And the jobs that will be created in the mustard industry as a result of people looking at the humble seed (“the seed that could”) in a new light will blow away anything we’ve seen in virtually any other sector of the market.
Now you tell me that you have a better plan for personal economic growth than this.
I recently fantasized in these pages about brewing a mustard ale. Imagine being the first person in the world to acheive a particular feat, as I was scheming to do by brewing a beer using mustard. Pride would have dripped from my pores like mash through a sieve. Alas, I’ve once again learned that when it comes to beer, never claim you can beat the Belgians at it.
I suppose it’s time to rethink my next beer and moniker. Perhaps “Horseradish Pat” is where I should be headed. Next task: brew horseradish ale.
My beer is rapidly approaching the bottling hour, and soon thereafter Zero Drink 30. I’m looking for a name for it. Current Ideas:
Speedy Pat’s Winter Ale
Mustard Pat’s Speedy Ale
Winter Pat’s Mustard Ale
I’m leaning toward Mustard Pat’s Speedy Ale. It evokes swiftness, mustard being a metaphor for throwing a ball with increased velocity, as in “put a little mustard on it!” The slogan for the beer could be something like “The beer to chug when you’re in a hurry.”
Winter Pat’s Mustard Ale is another good option. I might be able to sell a few bottles to curious people wanting to know what a mustard ale tastes like. “It’s awesome!” I’ll tell them, having no idea. The beer won’t contain a single grain of ground mustard, and people will drink it and like it. Obviously, calling it mustard ale but not including any mustard in the making of it is deceitful, but imagine if I actually put ground mustard seed into the mix. People would say, “It tastes like mustard,” and I’d have to say something like, “Yes. It’s Mustard Ale.”
Speedy Pat’s Winter Ale has the disadvantage of making it seem like I'm prone to rush the beer making process. What the hell’s the hurry? Make enough to get you through until the next batch has properly aged. That’s the way the big boys do it, and I’m a big boy.
Which brings me to a final option, which is just occurring to me now: Shifty Pat’s Swift Ale. Shifty because back when I played Pop Warner football, I had a coach who told me I should be a halfback instead of a fullback because I was “shifty.” (I have no memory of anyone else telling me they thought I was shifty, but perhaps someone has said it behind my back, like some ex-girlfriend’s grandmother: “Oooh, he’s a shifty one, that Mustard Pat!”)
Name for the new mustard I’m going to develop: Shifty Pat’s Ale Mustard.
Trumpian Tweetage Haiku Continuum
Promote the Fake Book
Mentally Deranged Author
Now that collusion
With Russia: a total hoax
Kim Jong Un, I too
Have a nuclear button.
And my button works.
Tax cut/Reform bill
Massive Alaska Drilling
Sanctions on North Korea
World wants Peace, not Death
Women I don't know. FAKE NEWS!
Army Navy Game
He's bad on Crime, Life, Border.
Vets. Guns. VOTE ROY MOORE!
Time Magazine Called
Prob'ly "Person of the Year"
I took a pass. Thanks!
The Christmas Story
Mother, Father, Baby Son
Jesus Christ. Bahrain.
Matt Lauer just fired
When will top executives
Be fired for Fake News?
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