PATRICK MCVAY

WRITER

My Musings

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Mustard Talk

One way I think I might promote my mustard reviews, when they start to happen, is to produce a talk show in which I serve as host and chat with some of the world’s greatest luminaries and pop stars about mustard. Unlike all those unimaginative talk shows out there (Fresh Air, On Point), my talk show would never deviate from this one, key subject. The unwillingness on my part to compromise in order to get anything not done will ensure that I become (eventually) the darling of some quirky political group that emerges from the woods of Vermont, where I will own a house purchased with money that I will have made by selling ads alongside my mustard reviews (again, when I start to write them).

Can you imagine talking mustard with Beyoncé? How about Mikhail Gorbachev? I can and often do. I’ve imagined myself talking mustard with so many huge celebrities that I quickly become a celebrity myself, dressing in outfits that are various shades of mustard when I show up at world premieres (yes, even a mustard tuxedo!). And the jobs that will be created in the mustard industry as a result of people looking at the humble seed (“the seed that could”) in a new light will blow away anything we’ve seen in virtually any other sector of the market.

Now you tell me that you have a better plan for personal economic growth than this.

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Foiled by Belgians Again

I recently fantasized in these pages about brewing a mustard ale. Imagine being the first person in the world to acheive a particular feat, as I was scheming to do by brewing a beer using mustard. Pride would have dripped from my pores like mash through a sieve. Alas, I’ve once again learned that when it comes to beer, never claim you can beat the Belgians at it.

2013-03-23 15-49-05 734 1My mustard ale would have had 8.0% alcohol

I suppose it’s time to rethink my next beer and moniker. Perhaps “Horseradish Pat” is where I should be headed. Next task: brew horseradish ale.

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The Status of My Beer

My beer is rapidly approaching the bottling hour, and soon thereafter Zero Drink 30. I’m looking for a name for it. Current Ideas:

Speedy Pat’s Winter Ale

Mustard Pat’s Speedy Ale

Winter Pat’s Mustard Ale

I’m leaning toward Mustard Pat’s Speedy Ale. It evokes swiftness, mustard being a metaphor for throwing a ball with increased velocity, as in “put a little mustard on it!” The slogan for the beer could be something like “The beer to chug when you’re in a hurry.”

Winter Pat’s Mustard Ale is another good option. I might be able to sell a few bottles to curious people wanting to know what a mustard ale tastes like. “It’s awesome!” I’ll tell them, having no idea. The beer won’t contain a single grain of ground mustard, and people will drink it and like it. Obviously, calling it mustard ale but not including any mustard in the making of it is deceitful, but imagine if I actually put ground mustard seed into the mix. People would say, “It tastes like mustard,” and I’d have to say something like, “Yes. It’s Mustard Ale.”

Speedy Pat’s Winter Ale has the disadvantage of making it seem like I'm prone to rush the beer making process. What the hell’s the hurry? Make enough to get you through until the next batch has properly aged. That’s the way the big boys do it, and I’m a big boy.

Which brings me to a final option, which is just occurring to me now: Shifty Pat’s Swift Ale. Shifty because back when I played Pop Warner football, I had a coach who told me I should be a halfback instead of a fullback because I was “shifty.” (I have no memory of anyone else telling me they thought I was shifty, but perhaps someone has said it behind my back, like some ex-girlfriend’s grandmother: “Oooh, he’s a shifty one, that Mustard Pat!”)

Name for the new mustard I’m going to develop: Shifty Pat’s Ale Mustard. 

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Mustard Pat

Everyone should be an expert in some field or other, and I’m thinking that my field of expertise should be mustards. After all, mustard and I go way back. My early days of spiced ham and cheese sandwiches were slathered with Gulden’s spicy brown mustard, though in our local minor league ballpark and at the concession stands of my Pop Warner football games, the more ubiquitous French’s yellow mustard was offered. Even as a young boy, yellow mustard seemed unremarkable and lowbrow to me. The brightness of the yellow, in particular, seemed to indicate the absence of subtlety and perhaps a dose of food coloring (but hey, it improved a hotdog, so if it was all that was available, I used it).

In my teen years, my parents converted to the religion of Dijon mustard, no doubt thanks to the marketing geniuses behind Grey Poupon. With deep Quebec roots, kids like us thought of ourselves as French (to the dismay of actual French people), and I wonder if my parents bought into the notion that putting Grey Poupon in our fridge made us kindred spirits with chauffeur-driven French elites who ate 3 course meals and passed the wine-infused condiment from one Rolls Royce to another.

 

Passing the Grey PouponBut would they have passed it to a guy in a '76 Dodge Dart?

One thing that confused me about those commercials was that the narrator always pronounced the “n” at the end of Poupon, sort of like “don’t let the dog poop on the carpet.” Even those of us with complicated and circuitous connections to France knew to eliminate that last consonant sound.

The world, of course, is filled with mustards beyond Gulden’s, French’s, and Grey Poupon, and I intend to explore the many varieties and devote a page of this website to rating mustards on a scale of 1 to 100. Anything 90 or above is very high-quality mustard, worthy of Mustard Pat’s “Golden Seed” award. First up: Inglehoffer hot Dijon mustard, which I will sneak into the next mustard, feta, prosciutto, and saurkraut stuffed chicken cutlets I make. Reports to follow.

 

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Trumpian Tweetage Haiku Continuum

Russia: "nothing to

do with meddling." Why isn't

Hillary looked at?

 

The Special Counsel

Is UNCONSTITUTIONAL

I’ve done nothing wrong

 

The phony witch hunt

The soon to be released book

Looks like a big hit

 

Fake News Media

Together with the witch hunt:

My best poll numbers

 

“Caravans” coming

Must go nuclear option.

NO MORE DACA DEAL!

 

We don’t have a wall

Not going to have a country

FUND THE BORDER WALL

 

Trade Wars are good and

Easy to win. They get cute?

Don't trade; we win big!

 

Gun-adept coaches

Weapons-talented teachers

Instantly Shooting

 

Promote the Fake Book

Mentally Deranged Author

False Information

 

Now that collusion

With Russia: a total hoax

FBI/Russia

 

Kim Jong Un, I too

Have a nuclear button.

And my button works.

 

Tax cut/Reform bill

Massive Alaska Drilling

Incredible Year

 

United Nations

Sanctions on North Korea

World wants Peace, not Death

 

False Accusations.

Women I don't know. FAKE NEWS!

Collusion. Russia.

 

Army Navy Game

COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF'S TROPHY

Congratulations

 

Pelosi/Schumer

He's bad on Crime, Life, Border.

Vets. Guns. VOTE ROY MOORE!

 

Time Magazine Called

Prob'ly "Person of the Year"

I took a pass. Thanks!

 

The Christmas Story

Mother, Father, Baby Son

Jesus Christ. Bahrain.

 

Matt Lauer just fired

When will top executives

Be fired for Fake News? 

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