It drives me crazy that I can only semi-automatically text using my smartphone. How can it be 2017 when there is this kind of restriction? You’d think that in a free country I’d be able to fire off texts as quickly as I’d like. The kind of 21st century America I was told to expect (in my previous life) is one that gives its citizens the means to let texts fly in rapid fire succession whenever they damn-well please. But wait a minute: you almost never have anything important to say!
That’s probably true.
And still, that way of thinking assumes that informing my spouse about the ripeness of our avocados, the status of my commute, and how many scoops of ice cream the kids ordered for dessert are trivialities. And whatever else I’m thinking.
In the next few weeks, I’m planning to go fully automatic by way of attaching blue tooth-enabled probes to my head and hacking into my phone such that my conscious and semi-conscious thoughts are streamed to everyone in my contacts list automatically. It’ll be a Cat-5 text storm. I want to inflict maximum texting damage. You’re going to be swept downstream by my flood of texts. But don’t worry, if the text flood is too overwhelming I’ll throw a bunch of rolls of paper towels out to you so you can sop-up the flood.
Looking for additional storm-related texting metaphors, so send if you got ‘em.
Now that the US Military has dropped “The Mother of All Bombs” on ISIS in Afghanistan (without scratching a single innocent civilian!), and Russia claims to have “The Father of All Bombs,” I might as well admit that I’ve long been working on The Uncle of All Bombs.
My bomb is a balding old fuddy-duddy of a bomb, with a comb-over and yellowing teeth. It sometimes forgets to zip its fly and makes stupid jokes that causes adults to cringe and teenaged girls to throw up.
Is The Uncle of All Bombs going to dismember or liquidate people? Probably not. It mostly inflicts an emotional and psychological toll on its victims. But when people see my boring old tippler of bomb come stumbling its way across the sky at the end of a long day of drinking Lambrusco, hiccupping and belching, they’ll clear out of the area in short order.
Just because my father once owned a business called “Nugent Income Tax Service” doesn’t mean I was ever related to Ted Nugent. I’m sure that disappoints you. It certainly disappointed my friends in grade school. At the time, Ted Nugent was merely an insane rocker who would dress like Tarzan and swing from ropes onto the stage. In my little world of 6th grade boys, Ted was famous for his album Nugent Comes Alive (just joking – it was actually titled Double Live Gonzo) for banter in which he asks the crowd, “Does anybody want to get mellow?” And then adds, “Anyone who wants to get mellow can turn around and get the fuck out of here, alright!” He then launches into his seminal “Wang Dang Sweet Poontang” (OK, not really seminal at all). We all thought it was so cool the way he swore and rocked out.
Some years later, my mother had heard that Ted Nugent was against drugs. She told me this because I was in a rock band and she thought that having a famous rocker come out against drugs would keep me from dabbling in illegal substances. My response, as a smart-assed teen, was, “Ted Nugent is an argument for doing drugs, Mom, not against doing them.”
All these decades later, some of us (not me) still think he’s cool, the way he wants you to have whatever kind of firearm you’d like with no restrictions. Others (like me) think he’s a dink.
The only thing you need to remember from this post is that I’m not related to him, nor to Timothy McVeigh, despite the fact that more than 20 years after a truck bomb killed 168 people on Oklahoma City, store clerks still mention Timothy McVeigh when they run my credit card.
Trumpian Tweetage Haiku Continuum
Women I don't know. FAKE NEWS!
Army Navy Game
He's bad on Crime, Life, Border.
Vets. Guns. VOTE ROY MOORE!
Time Magazine Called
Prob'ly "Person of the Year"
I took a pass. Thanks!
The Christmas Story
Mother, Father, Baby Son
Jesus Christ. Bahrain.
Matt Lauer just fired
When will top executives
Be fired for Fake News?
Subscribe To The Blog
Things I've Actually Published
Produce This Audio Play!
Ever wanted to produce a radio play? Think you have the mettle? Read on!