Around this time in 2017, I expect to be named the Comeback Blogger of the Year. It shouldn’t be too hard. Everyone is already disappointed with my lackluster social media stats and perilously low internet traffic numbers. I have nowhere to go but up. “Of course he gets no traffic! He refuses to tweet out baseless opinions! He never ‘friends’ anyone. He doesn’t ‘Babbly.’ He doesn’t make use of ‘Follower Wonk.’ What is his ‘Feedly’ handle anyway? He’s got zero ‘Social Clout!’” The list goes on.
Maybe if I used ‘Waze’ more I’d be able to avoid bicycle traffic jams and would have more time to up my social profile, you think. Well guess what I think: up your social profile buddy.
Starting in January I’m going to blog the bejesus out of you and everyone else around. I’m going to blog so much it’ll make your head spin. You’ll be covered in my bloggage from head to toe. I’m going to no-hit your ass, blog-wise. They are going to announce me as a shoo-in for the Cy Young of Blogging award. And so forth.
Suddenly, my friends are going to come out of the woodwork. Mook is going to be all “I knew him way back when he wrote a long and boring entry about the Big East.” Howard’s going to fly me to California to party with Taylor Swift. Bob won’t notice because he’s going to be working on putting everyone’s birthday into his iphone so he doesn’t forget to call Howard yet again.
Having said all that, this December I intend to blog in my usual mundane way, so don’t feel like you have to visit for a while.
Howard is always good for an original slogan, and no slogan is better than his very own “I’m Gooey for Yooey.” This was a saying that he conceived of in 2013 (or maybe he conceived it in 2012 and by the time its nine months of gestation were completed, it was 2013, you think cheekily), to celebrate the year that unhittable Red Sox closer Koji Uehara had. 2013 was a year known for its lackluster sloganeering, so if it weren’t for Howard and “I’m Gooey for Yooey,” we would have all lived through that year without a single world-class slogan being published. Basically, the world owes Howard a huge debt of gratitude.
But like all of slogans, “I’m Gooey for Yooey” was a darling of critics and cult fans of slogans, but failed to catch on with the shallow public and the Japanese media. So now, with the passage of time revealing just how awesome the slogan was, Howard has decided reprise it for the 2016 playoffs.
I’ve contacted all my Japanese media friends and have asked them to cover game 3 of the ALDS, just in case Koji is brought in in relief.
After months of silent neutrality, I’m happy to report that this website is finally endorsing Tim for Register of Deeds. I believe Tim is among the most qualified people for this job. He knows as much about deeds as the next guy, certainly as much as you do.
Sorry if I insulted you, but I’m just reporting fact. Examine your own conscience and then tell me that you’d be better at registering deeds than Tim. Or else tell me what your big skill or talent is vis-à-vis deeds. Just what I thought – nothing.
To answer the obvious question in your mind, yes I know a thing or two about deeds. But I don’t endorse myself for the job because, truth be told, I’m really busy and can’t be bothered to register people’s deeds. However, I’m not too busy to suggest a change in the job title. I think “Registerer of Deeds” sounds more grammatically correct, or maybe “Registrar of Deeds.” Perhaps we need a grammarian to weigh in.
Do you have any deeds that need registering? If yes, contact Tim.
My former best friend Roy is famous across this great globe of ours (the greatest planet in the universe!) for some pretty funny commercials he’s been in, like the one in which he is sitting at a table next to a woman and appears to be telling her how much he cares for her; she hesitates for a moment and then, flushed, responds in kind. At which point “Paul” turns to her to reveal that he’s wearing a headset and is actually on the phone with someone else.
When I first saw that commercial I laughed on the outside like the rest of the world did, even Kim Jong Un, who had not yet inherited the North Korean throne and was more willing to allow his funny bone to be tickled. But deep inside, I was reminded of a dark period in my friendship to Roy:
It was back in the late 1980s, when the Big East ruled college basketball, and Roy and I were verbally sparring over whether marketeers (marketers with swords) would come to call the annual NCAA men’s basketball tournament “March Madness” or “The March of Champions.” I can’t remember who took which side, but suffice it to say that between us there were a couple of black eyes, a bloody nose, a split lip, and a ruptured testicle. This was the 1980s, when guys were rupturing testicles left and right.
One night during our crisis of friendship, Roy had a couple too many sloe gin fizzes and starting claiming that teams in the round preceding the final four were “The Great Eight,” and those in the previous round were “The Pristine Sixteen,” and those in the one before that were “The Ballyhooed Thirty Two.”
Of course, the NCAA adopted the names I came up with for two of those three rounds (Sweet Sixteen and Elite Eight), leaving Roy winning just the Ballyhooed round. Needless to say, our friendship has never been the same.
Trumpian Tweetage Haiku Continuum
Fake News Media
Together with the witch hunt:
My best poll numbers
Must go nuclear option.
NO MORE DACA DEAL!
We don’t have a wall
Not going to have a country
FUND THE BORDER WALL
Trade Wars are good and
Easy to win. They get cute?
Don't trade; we win big!
Promote the Fake Book
Mentally Deranged Author
Now that collusion
With Russia: a total hoax
Kim Jong Un, I too
Have a nuclear button.
And my button works.
Tax cut/Reform bill
Massive Alaska Drilling
Sanctions on North Korea
World wants Peace, not Death
Women I don't know. FAKE NEWS!
Army Navy Game
He's bad on Crime, Life, Border.
Vets. Guns. VOTE ROY MOORE!
Time Magazine Called
Prob'ly "Person of the Year"
I took a pass. Thanks!
The Christmas Story
Mother, Father, Baby Son
Jesus Christ. Bahrain.
Matt Lauer just fired
When will top executives
Be fired for Fake News?
Subscribe To The Blog
Things I've Actually Published
Produce This Audio Play!
Ever wanted to produce a radio play? Think you have the mettle? Read on!