I recently had breakfast with several of my lawyers, and one of them informed me that I can totally pardon myself, if, for some reason, I need to.
Not that I need to. Why would I need to pardon myself? Heh heh. Like, what, if I burp? Jim Kong Hun would probably not pardon himself if he burped, but I would. Because that’s what we do in America. We burp in public to indicate to the chef that the food was awesome. Then we officially pardon ourselves.
Because we Americans don’t need a handout when we belch. Having someone else pardon you is like taking charity. Come on, buddy, pardon yourself instead of relying on someone else to pardon you! I pardon myself left and right and really enjoy it. I don’t ask someone else to pardon me when I push past them in a shopping mall or collude with the Russians. I just manage the pardoning on my own.
Believe me, I’m going to trust this one lawyer of mine when it comes to pardoning.
Not that I need lawyers.
In the future, we’ll all own bomb-proof pods that we can move about the landscape in. The pods will be made of material designed to be invisible, but over time dings and dents and street goo will accumulate on their surfaces, and the shell encasing each of us will become apparent. It will also become apparent when we go to hug each other and end up colliding before we get close enough, ricocheting off one another like bumper cars, and falling on our asses.
Yes, it will be difficult to ride a bike, but this is the price you pay to be in a protective, impenetrable pod. And at the end of the day, you can enter your garage and park your bomb-proof pod, go inside your bullet-proof house with its not-quite-invisible protective geodesic dome, exchange a few hugs, shower up and hit the sack! When you leave again the following day, it’s back into the pod.
As my friend Mark likes to say, “That’s Freedom.”
The pods will be heavily-used by school children, who must never venture out without a protective shell, needless to say. There are many dangers out there, and our spineless leaders would like to help but they have a long list of moments of silence to attend to before they can eliminate dangers. It’s one of the oddities about being a leader.
Keep in mind that these pods are on back order for a couple of decades.
If I were a genius, my aim would be to be very stable, as those are the kind of geniuses that my data tell me are in short supply these days.
Unstable geniuses? They’re everywhere. You can’t walk down a country lane without encountering an unstable genius. You find them encamped in the local greasy spoon in West Podunk, VT, seemingly normal until you sit down beside them and order poached eggs over corned beef hash, whereupon they start ranting about string theory and shake you down for your opinion of it. But the only theory you have related to string involves cheese, your theory being that string cheese is actually not cheese, but almost-edible plastic.
Watch out, because your average unstable genius will get ticked off when s/he attempts to explain the nature of matter, the relationship between particles, and the origins of our universe, only to be confounded by your mind-numbing references to a dairy product.
If I represented you in the court of public opinion, I’d say, “Look, where is my client, the average dunce, supposed to have heard about string theory anyway, in the fake science books?” And then I’d make references to your coming to this country via chain migration from some shithole, which will tick off your long-form birth certificate-wielding American mother.
As I write this, I realize that while I’m not, personally, a genius, I nevertheless am becoming more and more unstable by the minute.
Heading back to my own personal shithole to see if my long-form Canadian citizenship documents are in good working order.
Do you know the difference between you and me?
Well, first of all, I have a bigger nuclear button. I mean my nuclear button makes your nuclear button look like a split pea. For example, I’m told your button can wipe out one of my cities. When I hear that, I can’t stop giggling.
Because I can wipe out two of yours. More!
My button can wipe out your whole country and several others at the same time. In this sense, I am the clear winner, having wiped out a greater portion of the world’s inhabitable space than you did, and contaminating the surrounding region for several generations. How ya like me now?!
It’s clear that you are an unhinged egomaniac, but I am prepared to overwhelm you with an even greater degree of unhinged egomania than you possess. Because I have that. And also, I am planning to emcee the upcoming MOST UNHINGED AND EGOMANIACAL AWARDS OF THE YEAR ceremony, which I declare is a “must not miss!”
If you attend the awards ceremony, be advised that the dress code is creative unhinged egomaniacal black tie.
Trumpian Tweetage Haiku Continuum
The Special Counsel
I’ve done nothing wrong
The phony witch hunt
The soon to be released book
Looks like a big hit
Fake News Media
Together with the witch hunt:
My best poll numbers
Must go nuclear option.
NO MORE DACA DEAL!
We don’t have a wall
Not going to have a country
FUND THE BORDER WALL
Trade Wars are good and
Easy to win. They get cute?
Don't trade; we win big!
Promote the Fake Book
Mentally Deranged Author
Now that collusion
With Russia: a total hoax
Kim Jong Un, I too
Have a nuclear button.
And my button works.
Tax cut/Reform bill
Massive Alaska Drilling
Sanctions on North Korea
World wants Peace, not Death
Women I don't know. FAKE NEWS!
Army Navy Game
He's bad on Crime, Life, Border.
Vets. Guns. VOTE ROY MOORE!
Time Magazine Called
Prob'ly "Person of the Year"
I took a pass. Thanks!
The Christmas Story
Mother, Father, Baby Son
Jesus Christ. Bahrain.
Matt Lauer just fired
When will top executives
Be fired for Fake News?
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