Did you get a chance to submit your design for the border wall between the US and Mexico? They were due April 4 to the Department of Homeland Security. I submitted mine. It’s a deceptively complicated plan, even more complicated than this teeter totter wall designed by Ronald Rael and Virginia San Fratello.
My wall is also going to be interactive as it calls for having lots of false doors built into it. And I don’t mean a door here or there; my wall will be nothing but doors, one right after the other, section after section, mile after mile, except that 99.99+% of the doors will open to reveal – you guessed it, a concrete wall. So when one of those bad hombres we’re always hearing about (or a child who is trying to escape gang conscription in his home country) comes upon this wall of doors and pulls on the handle, he is going to be momentarily thrilled when the door actually opens, then emotionally crushed when he sees that it's really a door to nowhere.
Is this art? You tell me. I think it is, and consequently submitted the design plan not just to Homeland Security, but also to the NEA. I was informed, however, that first of all if I’m going to use bad hombres and children escaping violence in my performance art/border wall, the door-pullers are technically performers and will need to be paid prevailing wages, and will also need to sign release forms. Secondly, given efforts to shut down the NEA, don’t count on them contributing to this art of mine.
Needless to say, if I’m going to go through all the trouble of release forms and prevailing wages, I’m going to want to make my wall design even artier. For example, I’ll put some revolving doors in my wall so that technically the bad hombres can step onto US soil (if you think of the border as razor thin, such that you can actually straddle it). Aha, but then they discover that there is no outlet to the American side's unforgiving desert wastelands! There will also be automatic doors like on The Starship Enterprise that open to reveal 2-foot thick concrete, and even some bifold doors like we all used to have as kids in the 1970s, which were constantly coming off their tracks. Who’s going to fix these when they come off their tracks? As far as I’m concerned that's Mexico’s problem.
Finally, somewhere in my wall of millions of doors, I’m going to secretly install a door, maybe two, that will actually open into the US. I can just imagine how shocking it will be for whomever is lucky enough to have opened the correct door and suddenly finds herself in America. I think we should leave a care package at the door, better yet have a personal valet waiting there to greet the visitor to our country, along with a lawyer, ready to help fill out immigration forms.
Just wait ‘til you see what I have planned for the US-Canada wall.
Sure, Neil Gorsuch may be known as a wildly intelligent jurist with a history of favoring corporations over individuals, but did you know that he is an expert wire-tapper and is known to have personally performed several abortions? What’s more, he has an unbelievably wonderful wife, which is not fake news at all as it came directly from the horse’s ass. Sorry, I mean mouth.
Additionally, his kids are just out of this world. They are absolutely stellar, absolutely stellar. Frankly you should wish you had a family half as tremendous as Neil Gorsuch’s. Did you know that he has an aunt who is just incredibly delightful? I mean she is not to be believed.
And then there are the riotously fantastic nieces and nephews, the inconceivably amazing cousins, the astonishingly magnificent half-siblings, and the marvelously breathtaking dog.
For whatever reason, the horse’s mouth didn’t mention the quality of the Gorsuch cat(s).
As we Americans proceed with building a wall and making Mexico pay for it, I’m wondering if our wall’s accounting team has included the cost of painting the wall in the estimate we’re providing to Mexico. Needless to say, I hope so. Not only can a coat of paint improve the the look of a barrier wall, it can also help extend the wall’s life. Who wants to spend fifteen to twenty billion dollars on a wall only to see water and sun damage erode it in a couple of short decades? Not me, and certainly not any of the Mexicans whose tax dollars are paying for this wall.
Of course, I don’t know any Mexicans whose tax dollars are paying for any wall. However, I know that Mexicans are a proud people who like their walls to be well-built and colorful, lasting for years in the scorching heat of the US-Mexico border region. Therefore, it’s clear we should plan to paint the wall.
As someone who has painted many walls in my house (none of which Mexico paid a dime for!), I can tell you that the first thing we need to understand is what our wall is going to be made of. No painter in his right mind chooses paint without knowing the substrate onto which he’ll be laying his master strokes. In our case, let’s assume we’re talking about beautiful wall of concrete. Now, between the time when the first section of our 1,000-mile-long beautiful wall is built and we go back to paint it, years will have past, so it’s going to have collected dust, grime, and bullet holes, so I recommend cleaning the wall with a solution of tri-sodium phosphate and some fresh Rio Grande water. Next, concrete can be a little tough to work with, so I recommend scuffing the 1,000-mile long wall with some beautiful 80 to 100 grit sandpaper. This will allow the sealer to adhere better. Once the whole 1,000 mile-long length of beautiful concrete barrier is properly scuffed, you can go ahead and apply your sealer. I recommend sealing with two coats. It’s a lot of work, but using a roller will really help move things along!
Wait a minute, did you forget to clean and scuff up the American side of the wall too? Whether our Mexicans friends can see the American side is immaterial, they still have to pay for us to scrub it, scuff it, seal it, prime it, and paint it. Do you think when the big dig happened in Boston they just left the tunnels bereft of any kind of aesthetic visuals?
Now that you’ve cleaned, scuffed, and sealed both sides of the beautiful and happy 40-foot high barricade, it’s time to get serious and lay a coat of primer on. I recommend tinting your primer to match the main coat’s color and allow for a single overcoat to be applied.
Which brings us to the most important question of all: what color should we paint our wall? Not to open up a can of worms, but shouldn’t one of us offer Mexico some color swatches to choose from?
I know you think I’m on the ropes, but the fact is that I’ve never been better. Not only am I completely on top of my game, I intend to get even more on top of it in the coming weeks, once I deal with the absolute mess I was handed. Reports of turmoil in my administration are so ludicrous that all I can do is sit back and laugh.
And when I laugh, I do so with a great deal of gusto, first tittering, then snickering and giggling, then chortling merrily, until my chortle morphs into an outright guffaw, at which point I double over and fall to the floor, struggling to breathe until I snort, which makes me laugh harder such that even some of the fake news media cackle, until my stomach muscles tense up and I find myself cramping big-league. Not that I don’t want to cramp up, because if I didn’t want to I simply wouldn’t. I’m one of the best people in the world at not cramping up unless I really want to. It’s a technique I have. Proprietary. My father passed it down to me and I’m passing it along to my kids and my Russian mistress. Finally, I laugh it all out, wipe away my tears, and then address fake news reports that I’ve come unhinged.
Having said that, I want to assure you that I’m up for any solution to whichever crisis has risen to the top on any given Sunday, be it North Korea, or Australia, or the Middle East, as along as all parties are in agreement. It can be one-state, two-state, five-state, whatever. Basically, I don’t care how many states are involved, except screw New York and California, as their illegal aliens came out in droves to vote for that crooked woman.
Trumpian Tweetage Haiku Continuum
The Special Counsel
I’ve done nothing wrong
The phony witch hunt
The soon to be released book
Looks like a big hit
Fake News Media
Together with the witch hunt:
My best poll numbers
Must go nuclear option.
NO MORE DACA DEAL!
We don’t have a wall
Not going to have a country
FUND THE BORDER WALL
Trade Wars are good and
Easy to win. They get cute?
Don't trade; we win big!
Promote the Fake Book
Mentally Deranged Author
Now that collusion
With Russia: a total hoax
Kim Jong Un, I too
Have a nuclear button.
And my button works.
Tax cut/Reform bill
Massive Alaska Drilling
Sanctions on North Korea
World wants Peace, not Death
Women I don't know. FAKE NEWS!
Army Navy Game
He's bad on Crime, Life, Border.
Vets. Guns. VOTE ROY MOORE!
Time Magazine Called
Prob'ly "Person of the Year"
I took a pass. Thanks!
The Christmas Story
Mother, Father, Baby Son
Jesus Christ. Bahrain.
Matt Lauer just fired
When will top executives
Be fired for Fake News?
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