Imagine what I might made of my life if only I had been given a decent pair of curling shoes as a child. That I’ve been able to get this far without such footwear illustrates my ability to overcome obstacles, on and off the ice. I’m not saying it’s the equivalent of Pele having to kick around a rolled up sock filled with rags instead of a proper soccer ball during his childhood, but it’s pretty close. Both of us had to play the cards we were dealt, and both learned to overcome the deficits we were saddled with.
So, sure, Pele and I are alike. He has often noted, in his own blog, that we’re kindred spirits. Nice guy. But here’s one way we’re actually not alike: he’s never won the famous Corn Hole tournament on my street. And I have. As a rookie. With very little training and while drinking beer.
I don’t want to claim that he hasn’t won because he’s focused solely on his footwork, which gets you only so far in Corn Hole, but let’s just say that I kept my footwork to a minimum, and I won. And he didn’t.
If I were a golf course, I’d want to be George Wright, a course so deeply wedged into Hyde Park’s confusing maze of streets that people anywhere outside a two-mile radius would have no clue how to find me. Because I’m the kind of golf course that needs people to care about me before I allow them to go chopping off chunks of my grassy skin with their clubs. You can’t just stumble upon me and start poking me full of tee holes. I’m old fashioned that way.
Despite the fact that I live within a two-mile radius of George Wright, I don’t get there very often. I’m usually busy during daylight hours making great strides in extending the lives of humans and solving the world’s intractable problems, and it’s hard to golf at night. But with steady rain in the forecast, I knew the ruffians who normally prowl the links with their clubs would fear the moisture and go into hiding, and maybe I should take advantage. My Pop-Warner football coaches used to say, “What are ya, made of sugar? You melt in the rain?” No. But most people would prefer to be dry.
Still, there’s nothing like rain to keep your golf course free of people. Not that I don’t like people. But, to tell you the truth, I’d much rather they stay off of my golf course.
This makes it sound like I have a golf course. Au Contrare. Despite my excellent breeding, I don’t “have” a golf course of my own, except on those occasions when it’s raining hard enough that no one else is on the local public course, which makes it look like “my” course.
On this recent rainy visit to George Wright, I felt like some kind of intergalactic traveler, landing on an out-of-the-way golf planet that was largely undiscovered. When I tell you that I saw no other golfers, I don’t mean that I saw just a golfer here or there: I mean I saw 4 people total, and all of them were groundskeepers. This allowed me to play as many balls as I liked on any given hole, which is a treat when you tend to fly as many balls into the leafy woods as I do. I feel it’s always best to ignore those errant balls and drop another. And then another. And then a fourth.
Those are the ground rules on my golf planet, and no special visa is required to be admitted. All you need to do is figure out how to get here.
If you ever pitch to me and I discover that you’re out of shape and have a bad knee, I’m going to lay a bunt down the third base line that will expose to millions of people watching television that you’re totally unable to throw me out.
I’m speaking metaphorically, of course, as you and I rarely find ourselves in head-to-head matchups any longer, and anyway, you can’t get the ball over the plate. Nor can I bunt. But even knowing this, you get all bent out of shape each time I metaphorically square up.
If you really hate it that much why don’t you just throw at me?
I doubt it will be a problem to get out of the way of your 45 mile-an-hour “fast” ball. And anyway, I’ll be wearing military helmet and bullet-proof face shield. And I’ll deploy a missile defense system to shoot down your softballs, just in case.
One or two columnists might write a few inches calling us both jerks, but many people (mostly lawyers) will defend me vociferously, saying that I’m just doing my job by laying down that proverbial bunt. And that, let’s face it, you’re not exactly spritely any longer.
Heading to the proverbial batting cages to work on my metaphorical squaring up, and all that.
Trumpian Tweetage Haiku Continuum
Must go nuclear option.
NO MORE DACA DEAL!
We don’t have a wall
Not going to have a country
FUND THE BORDER WALL
Trade Wars are good and
Easy to win. They get cute?
Don't trade; we win big!
Promote the Fake Book
Mentally Deranged Author
Now that collusion
With Russia: a total hoax
Kim Jong Un, I too
Have a nuclear button.
And my button works.
Tax cut/Reform bill
Massive Alaska Drilling
Sanctions on North Korea
World wants Peace, not Death
Women I don't know. FAKE NEWS!
Army Navy Game
He's bad on Crime, Life, Border.
Vets. Guns. VOTE ROY MOORE!
Time Magazine Called
Prob'ly "Person of the Year"
I took a pass. Thanks!
The Christmas Story
Mother, Father, Baby Son
Jesus Christ. Bahrain.
Matt Lauer just fired
When will top executives
Be fired for Fake News?
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