PATRICK MCVAY

WRITER

The Tale Of The Golden Key

 

The year 2014 may be remembered as the year in which I lost one of the two keys to my Mazda hatchback. In the driving days of my parents, when cars rusted out after a few short years or were otherwise planned for obsolescence, a lost key meant a trip to the hardware store, where another would be cut for a couple bucks. But now we are in a much improved era. The dealership tells me that a new key will run me $150. You laugh, nervously, as I did, not realizing that $150 is rather inexpensive; if you happen to own a Saab, a new key actually requires you to trade in a child (or, at minimum, a beloved pet).

It turns out that car keys are now made entirely by hand in northern Europe, where worker’s wages are indexed to the cost of private dachas in the Russian countryside, into which these highly valued employees are expected to disappear for their 25 weeks or so of vacation. The keys are encrusted with diamonds, then sent by private jet to the Vatican where the Pope blesses them. Oh, and there’s “a chip inside that communicates with the engine,” says my dealership. This, I’m told, is so no one can steal the car. (I’m willing to bet that thieves have figured out a work-around).

Of course, everything that I’ve heard from the IT community is that chips are getting tinier and cheaper. Unfortunately, they still only support Internet Explorer version 8. (That there is a little inside IT joke for you!).

I declined to buy a new key. Instead, I plan to lobby the Pope to have a sliding scale when it comes to blessing car keys. (Must come up with a pricing matrix for key-blessing. Needless to say, the Vatican will bleed those Tesla key owners dry!).

Holey Bikepath Batman!
The Best $20 Tim Has Ever Spent
 

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Wednesday, 19 September 2018

Trumpian Tweetage Haiku Continuum

 

 

Investigations
Republican Congressmen
Two wins now in doubt.

 

Dems love Sessions now
Same thing: lyin' James Comey
Saint-like. Really sick.

 

Russia: "nothing to
do with meddling." Why isn't
Hillary looked at?

 

The Special Counsel
Is UNCONSTITUTIONAL
I’ve done nothing wrong

 

 

The phony witch hunt

The soon to be released book
Looks like a big hit

 

Fake News Media

Together with the witch hunt:

My best poll numbers

 

“Caravans” coming

Must go nuclear option.

NO MORE DACA DEAL!

 

We don’t have a wall

Not going to have a country

FUND THE BORDER WALL

 

Trade Wars are good and

Easy to win. They get cute?

Don't trade; we win big!

 

Gun-adept coaches

Weapons-talented teachers

Instantly Shooting

 

Promote the Fake Book

Mentally Deranged Author

False Information

 

Now that collusion

With Russia: a total hoax

FBI/Russia

 

Kim Jong Un, I too

Have a nuclear button.

And my button works.

 

 

Tax cut/Reform bill

Massive Alaska Drilling

Incredible Year

 

 

United Nations

Sanctions on North Korea

World wants Peace, not Death

 

 

False Accusations.

Women I don't know. FAKE NEWS!

Collusion. Russia.

 

Army Navy Game

COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF'S TROPHY

Congratulations

 

Pelosi/Schumer

He's bad on Crime, Life, Border.

Vets. Guns. VOTE ROY MOORE!

 

 

Time Magazine Called

Prob'ly "Person of the Year"

I took a pass. Thanks!

 

The Christmas Story

Mother, Father, Baby Son

Jesus Christ. Bahrain.

 

Matt Lauer just fired

When will top executives

Be fired for Fake News? 

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