PATRICK MCVAY

WRITER

There But For A Lack Of Talent Go We

Alas, there’s goes Jacoby Ellsbury, off to don the pinstripes for the next seven years, much to the chagrin of us Red Sox fans. Yes, we knew he wasn’t sticking around (though I wish he had just so Dan Shaughnessy couldn’t gloat), but it somehow didn’t occur to me that the Yankees would fork over $153 million over 7 years for him. What the…!

Yesterday, I broke the news to my 8 year old son, who had no reaction at all. Of course, that was because he had tuned out the droning male adult across the dinner table, who is usually telling him to eat over the plate and stop squirming. Later, I mentioned it again and he said, “What? Jacoby Ellsbury is a Yankee?” Yes, son, as I believe I already mentioned. “At least it wasn’t Papi,” he said. Good point. Imagine the sight of David “.688 in the World Series” Ortiz in pinstripes: it would be like watching your ex-girlfriend, a total babe way out of your league, walking down the street on the arm of that douchebag jock who used to threaten to kick your ass in front of all the girls. The stomach turns…

I will now turn my attention to two important moments in the future: 1) When Jacoby Ellsbury’s name is announced on opening day; and 2) When he first comes to bat as a hated Yankee. I will stand and clap (if I’m present) and will remind my son to do the same, to acknowledge Jacoby's contribution to the Red Sox over the last six-some years. Our fellow fans will spend their energy booing, unable to admit that they, too, would gladly don pinstripes if it meant a contract of $153 million over 7 years.

U.N. High Commissioner for Pigeon Peas
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Wednesday, 23 May 2018

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