I know you think I’m on the ropes, but the fact is that I’ve never been better. Not only am I completely on top of my game, I intend to get even more on top of it in the coming weeks, once I deal with the absolute mess I was handed. Reports of turmoil in my administration are so ludicrous that all I can do is sit back and laugh.
And when I laugh, I do so with a great deal of gusto, first tittering, then snickering and giggling, then chortling merrily, until my chortle morphs into an outright guffaw, at which point I double over and fall to the floor, struggling to breathe until I snort, which makes me laugh harder such that even some of the fake news media cackle, until my stomach muscles tense up and I find myself cramping big-league. Not that I don’t want to cramp up, because if I didn’t want to I simply wouldn’t. I’m one of the best people in the world at not cramping up unless I really want to. It’s a technique I have. Proprietary. My father passed it down to me and I’m passing it along to my kids and my Russian mistress. Finally, I laugh it all out, wipe away my tears, and then address fake news reports that I’ve come unhinged.
Having said that, I want to assure you that I’m up for any solution to whichever crisis has risen to the top on any given Sunday, be it North Korea, or Australia, or the Middle East, as along as all parties are in agreement. It can be one-state, two-state, five-state, whatever. Basically, I don’t care how many states are involved, except screw New York and California, as their illegal aliens came out in droves to vote for that crooked woman.