PATRICK MCVAY

A lot of my friends have been complaining that Donald Trump has been unwilling to accept that more people voted for Joe Biden than they did for him. I totally get that. But look at it from the president’s vantage point: it’s really embarrassing for a guy who “never loses,” except, basically, all the time, to lose an election when the under-ballot candidates in his party seemed to succeed admirably.

Personally, I think the president isn’t looking on the bright side of this election outcome: that he garnered any votes at all is truly astounding. Who votes for someone who so clearly botched the coronavirus pandemic response? Or blackmails an ally who is at war with an enemy? Or alleges that the only questionable votes are the ones cast against him?

Honestly, this should have been 159,795 votes for Biden, and 5 for Trump, conceding that Trump himself, Junior, Eric, Ivanka, and Jared all voted for the president. Melania abstained is my guess. She likely enjoys life in the White House, but she’d prefer to divorce this clown’s stupid ass and take some of his money before he goes bankrupt.

Of course, many of us Biden supporters aren’t appreciating the silver lining of Trump staying in the White House: we’ve never had a dictator in our country’s long and distinguished history, and it might be interesting to see what that’s like. Imagine how cool political poisonings would be on the nightly news! Maybe the administration could get hold of some of some Soviet-era toxins and “lose” a few electoral college electors (wink wink). Cue the alternates who’ll vote for whomever they please, or rather whomever the President tells them to vote for.

So much more exciting than accepting the will of the voters.

It’s pretty safe to assume that every state in the US has an upstate. And I know that many people are fixated on what they believe is the “Deep State” residing within all our government agencies. So, from my perspective, it seems clear that each and every upstate is home to what I would describe as a “Deep Upstate.”

The Deep Upstate is a little different than a regular deep state in that the vast dark web of secretive underground human connections that run the government, control everyone’s lives, and are probably themselves puppets of foreign governments, are dispersed across a greater amount of well-tended lawns. These malevolent, underground networks that have hidden cameras all over upstate regions to spy on unsuspecting suburbanites have an easier time parking when they plant their surveillance devices. Because, of course, they are upstate.

Operatives within the Deep Upstate are known to have better networks of lawn-care specialists, as well as expert arrays of driveway sealers. These experts are then deployed across upstate regions with a high degree of acuity lawn-and-driveway-wise, making it a snap for them to infiltrate unsuspecting neighborhoods and do what deep-upstate types do, under the cover of lawn care and driveway maintenance.

Really sick.

As I write this, Joe Biden is about to finally overtake Donald Trump in Georgia, and it looks like Pennsylvania isn’t far behind.

Let me say, I know how frustrating it can be to be out in front for a key leg in a monumentally important race and at the last second get overtaken by your arch enemy, who is in his mid-70s and stutters. I’m not saying I know this firsthand. The truth is, when I was going around the final turn back in “my day,” I was usually trailing the stuttering septuagenarian. Still, I have a long history of being able to empathize with people I loathe, and I can understand how much it must hurt to lose to someone you have so brutally and unfairly mocked, like a schoolyard bully, in front of huge crowds.

The good news is that the president seems to be taking the inexorable creep toward his loss of power extraordinarily well. As far as I know he hasn’t yet shot anyone on Fifth Avenue or set Texas oil fields aflame. The very worst he’s done is to fire a massive, hateful salvo against our most sacred democratic institution – the right of Americans to have their votes counted.

I totally get it. He must be worried about what’s next. Is he going to be just thrown out on the street? Where will his next meal come from? Who is going to press his size 54 underpants?

Look, it’s going to fine. We’re Americans. We’re resilient. When we lose an election we don’t just sit there and mope. We file lawsuits and call press conferences to delegitimize the process in an effort to keep the Sherriff from coming to our front door and handing over an eviction notice, which would require us to have to pack up and get our assess the hell out of the whitest residence in the United States.

It’s all going to be fine, my friends. I think.

Like you, I’m really curious about what happens with Whitehouse furniture and accessories when there is a change in presidents. Not counting my chickens before they hatch, heh heh, but someone better be thinking about this. I don’t want the transfer of power to be held up thanks to a lack of foresight on packing up the former – ack!, excuse me, current – “President.”

"Sorry, the family isn't fully packed up yet." 

Too effing bad. You're out. 

Also, what’s swapped out and what isn’t? I imagine Joe and Jill Biden would be expected to eat off the same plates, insert the same forks into their mouths, and nestle their buttocks into the same dining room upholstery imprints that Donald and Melania Trump have been avialing themselves of until the day of the inauguration. I mean, we’re not getting new furniture every time there is a change of presidents, are we?

On the other hand, there's bound to be leftover coronavirus-goo on the dining room chairs. If I were offered a free weekend vacation in the Whitehouse just after the Trumps departed, to be honest I’d pass. Sorry, but not worth it!

If there is a change in presidents (please, please) I’d recommend that the Bidens discard the  linens. That’s just me from my little perch here in the layperson peanut gallery. I certainly don’t speak for Anthony Fauci, but I’ll bet “The Fouch” would endorse that plan, plus recommend a week or so of time between first families in order to properly fumigate the place. If every surface has to be wiped down, every sheet and towel disinfected, and every mattress inspected for party stains, it’s going to take time.

What about the toilet paper? Is Jill Biden supposed to draw off the same roll of TP that Donald Trump was using earlier that same day? Did anyone bother to take off the last few sheets and create a triangular fold, like they do in the very high-class establishments I routinely stay in?

And what about the second wave of toilet paper deficit? And the “Toilet Paper War”? Yeah, sounds comical, but there are a lot of guns out there, and I expect a war over toilet paper if this pandemic gets much worse.

Lots to consider.