I may seem like the sort of person who patronizes only higher-end food establishments, but the truth is I have a close personal history with fast food. I worked in a Greek pizza shop called Fast Eddies back in my hardscrabble college days, transporting meals to hungry couch potatoes.

Delivering pizzas sounds pretty easy, but it’s not. I had to drive around in a beat up old station wagon with steaming pies distracting me from the back. Not only that, but I worked in a densely packed district and had to double-park regularly, which meant I constantly risked getting tickets. These pressures take their toll, emotionally. I’d also get summoned to the BC dorms a lot, where college football players would claim that they didn’t have to pay for their two large, meaty pizzas because I hadn’t arrived within half an hour. “That’s Dominoes,” I’d inform them. Then, they’d slam the door in my face. Since a significant part of my income was tips, I had to be diplomatic with the large, muscular fellows who were trying to cheat Fast Eddie out of a measly 18 bucks and me out of part of my textbook budget. Eventually, they’d give me what I was due, plus a dime or so.

When delivery requests dropped off, I’d work the counter and make sandwiches. Much to my consternation, I was never taught the secrets of making great pizza at Fast Eddie’s. I couldn’t blame the shop’s owners for that, because no one had taught them either. I did learn, however, how to make a steak bomb. If I recall correctly, it was a cheesesteak with the works: onions, peppers, mushrooms, hots, and probably something else. Did I win any sandwich-making awards? Unfortunately, no. Still, I would characterize my tenure at Fast Eddie’s this way: I had good days, and I had great days, and sometimes, I had really great days.

In recent years, I’ve been making my own pizzas in my own over-engineered oven, which is better than renting space in a pizza shop for the night. Given my history with sandwich-making as well as current pizza skills, I’d say I have all the tools needed to open my very own delivery restaurant right here in West Roxbury, which I intend to call Speedy Pat’s. More news on this soon, after approaching my wife about the idea. (The part that might be a little difficult for her, which I totally understand, is that we’d have to quit our jobs in order to take on this back-breaking work, as well as put our young kids to work at the grill.)  

The little I know about Facebook tells me it’s really not for people who wish to make use of social media without others knowing what they look like.  As I understand it, they called it Facebook in the first place because you are required by company policy to show your face.  However, some people just don’t feel comfortable revealing their faces online to the rest of the world. Who knows what sicko out there might take a screen shot of it and manipulate it in Photoshop to make it look like you have leprosy, then do something that causes the photo to "go viral" such that your mother passes out.  Anyway, I believe someone (me! Or I!) should create a social media site for these faceless people.

My first thought was to call it “AssBook,” and instead of posting photos of their faces, users would show their asses. This got me a lot of interesting and really adamant responses from friends and relatives. I’m not convinced they really understood what I was imagining or could visualize the grandeur of the site the way I did. I was envisioning millions (billions?) of people all over the world revealing their asses instead of their faces. As a result, I agreed to tweak the name of the site to mollify these complainers, and settled on AssFace. Because of this new name, I’m going to require users of my site to show a picture not just of their ass, but of their ass’s face.

Of course, I’ve been informed that it’s harder to obtain an ass than you might think. It’s not like you can go down to the hardware store and buy yourself one.

Not My Ass

The wild ass above is not mine, but I’d be pleased if it were. I obtained the photo from the website FactZoo.com. Sure, it’s one of the odder looking wild assess I’ve ever seen, and precious little in the way of this individual’s history and behavior is offered on the site, but still, I would surmise that it's a young and, quite possibly, strong ass. I would be honored to show off this ass on my AssFace page.

Sorry. Getting word over the headphones that the animal pictured above is not, in fact, an ass (wild or otherwise). Repeat, the above is not a wild ass. Rather, it is a “jackass,” or a male mule. Well that makes a little more sense! So now I have to decide if I’m going to change the name of the site to “JackassFace” or leave well enough alone.

However, I believe I have solved the problem of what to do about getting asses to our citizens who are so clearly in need of them. I’m going to start a program called “Adopt a Wild Ass.” This will create a “virtual” way to obtain an ass from, say, Africa, or parts of Asia. Now I just have to find a way to get native peoples digital cameras and the means to send us photos of our adoptees. E-mail attachment is what I’m thinking. (Note to self: work on getting native peoples the infrastructure needed to power their homes so they can buy computers and send e-mail to me). 

There comes a time in every male person’s life when he must finally make use of the fly on his trousers. Standard-issue zippers that sit front and center on one’s pants are useful to humans of the female persuasion mainly to aid in getting slacks on and off; to us males, it serves the more practical and essential function of enabling us to expel unneeded fluids without our peers having to look upon our bare bottoms. No doubt, urinals and pee-troughs weren’t invented until some form of the fly was, which afforded a man quick and (relatively) discrete access to his “member,” as they used to call it in porn magazines of my childhood (and perhaps still do – I wouldn’t know).

Still, boys don’t go right from using diapers to employing the zipper fly on their miniature trousers. Zippers and snaps are nothing but a pain to a 4 year old child, there to mimic their father’s clothing and make them look like cute little adults, which they are not. Despite the fact that adult men are famous for sticking their penises through things, it’s not something that comes naturally to a young boy.  It takes practice to get through the two layers of clothing one is typically clad in. When it comes time to pee, young boys prefer taking the easier route of dropping their drawers right down to their ankles in the men’s room of Fenway Park, or else not bothering with niceties and letting it all out in their dungarees.

Eventually, boys become able to manage their snap and zipper combinations and see the value of releasing their pee without revealing themselves to the world around them. At least most boys do. Recently, I made use of a public restroom and came upon an adult gentleman with his trousers down and his naked cheeks getting some air right there at a urinal. So startling and discomfiting was the image that I actually did one of those sitcom double-takes just as the bottomless man was glancing over his shoulder to see who had come into his personal bathroom.

Perhaps this man had some penile affliction that made it painful to use the zipper function on his pantaloons, but if that were the case, he might have opted for a stall, of which three were available. Having said that, I know of no law that prevents a man from exposing his bottom while peeing, except, perhaps, the laws of good judgment and tact that we all are meant acquire as we age.

Every weekend I turn on the TV in search of professional football, and I’m always relieved to find the Dallas Cowboys on. Even though the Cowboys aren’t based anywhere close to me geographically and have only the most peripheral of connections to us folks in New England, that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t get to see them each and every weekend. Thankfully, I can sleep at night knowing that one of the very few games I will see on Sunday or Monday will feature those lovable Secessionistas, despite the extremely low odds that they will make the playoffs. (I also love seeing Jerry Jones all the time. He seems like a great guy! I wish they’d do more one-on-one interviews with him.)

Seeing Tony Romo on TV every weekend also reminds me that my Dad felt very connected to the Dallas Cowboys. He loved Roger Staubach, not just for his football playing capacities and the fact that he forewent his prime years in the game in order to serve in the US Navy, but also because he apparently attended mass regularly.

But back to the Cowboys: they currently hold a record of six and six and thereby are mathematically still capable of making the playoffs. If they do somehow make the playoffs, we’ll get to see them on TV one more time (losing to some weak-ass NFC outfit). This just adds to their appeal and my delight in finding them on my television practically 24/7.

I know this isn’t really possible, but because I hold “America’s Team,” as the Cowboys are called, in such high esteem, I grasp onto faint hope that some magical week may appear in the NFL Calendar which has the Cowboys playing all three nationally-televised night games: Sunday, then Monday, then Thursday.

( I know, I know: “Dream On!”)