One of my kids takes French at the French Library and Cultural Center in Boston’s Back Bay neighborhood. There are at least two librarians who work there, as far as I can tell, and I was thinking of writing something completely fictional in which these French librarians act as my central characters. Of course, I would also have to invent the character of the French Lieutenant, who lives in the Back Bay and uses the library (Question: Why is a French Lieutenant living in the Back Bay? Is the French army stationed nearby? If so, wouldn’t the US Army feel a little funny about that?)

Now, one of these librarians is put through the paces by the French Lieutenant, who’s constantly demanding that the French Library in Boston get these obscure French books that no one has ever heard of; meanwhile, the second librarian has a dark secret that s/he is keeping from the first, either about obscure French books (example?) or something totally unrelated, like deviant pseudo-sexual behavior. Oh, and one of them is dating the French Lieutenant.

As I think about this, it occurs to me that one of the librarians is male and one female; this means either the female librarian is dating the French Lieutenant, or else the French Lieutenant is, at minimum, bi. Let’s go ahead and say he’s gay; should I go back and reveal, in painful detail, his difficult teen years? (If yes, were his teen years spent in France or in the Back Bay?)

Need to put more work into this proposal before submission.

I believe in the future of friction. People say it’s past its prime, that the future will be friction-free. Sorry, but I doubt that very seriously. I was recently informed by an extremely smart person I encountered in a bus depot that friction isn’t going anywhere, at least not anytime soon. In particular, reports of the demise of rolling friction are way overblown. True, with the advent of personal aircraft, wheels may one day comprise a smaller share of the market than they currently do, but my associates confirmed what this guy was telling me: the vehicle of the future ultimately will be able to move on air, sea, and even land, resulting in continued rolling friction across a wide swathe of the country.

Let’s take advantage now America! Let’s take rolling friction back from the Chinese and do something with it before the Brazilians discover it!  

What about sliding friction?  That has a very bright future!  Sliding friction is expected to increase dramatically in the coming years, especially in northern climes, as the earth heats up and more people find themselves skiing on grass.

I don’t usually like to talk politics during your breakfast, which, I assume, is when you’re reading this, but I feel like it’s time I weigh in on one of the critical political contests going on. I recently learned of the heated presidential race pitting – let’s see if I’ve got this right – Hussein Osama, the apparent incumbent (sorry I’ve been out of loop in recent years – when the hell did George "Dubya" Herbert Walker Bush leave?!), against former National League baseball great and governor of both Massachusetts and Detoit, George “Mitt” Romney. As usual, the campaigns have been hijacked by political strategists and operatives who are either threatening to “put America to work” (What is this, North Korea? Do your own damned work!), or are out to divide the country into two groups, with extremely short people on one side, and those who know how to tie a half hitch, at minimum, on the other (sorry bows don’t qualify).

And they wonder why people are sick of politics!

People are constantly looking for evidence of the existence of God, and contemporary singles are no exception. Benjamin Franklin is famously misquoted as saying that beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy, when in fact he was talking about cleavage.

This depiction of “The Christian as Babe” is further confirmation of the existence of God and His incredible ability to sculpt the human body, even better than Machiavelli, who sculpted the statue of David.

It occurs to me: I would be happy if my kids became artists; sculpting is an honorable art form; therefore I should give them sculpting lessons, preferably from someone who has learned to sculpt from God. I’ll be back…

Hmmm. Okay, I just looked into it, and it’s going to be harder to find somebody who learned sculpting from God than I thought. So far (in, admittedly, just ten minutes of web surfing), no one has claimed to have actually asked God and how to sculpt. I find this extremely odd! You’d think someone, somewhere, would mention it at some point.