PATRICK MCVAY

WRITER

The Press

I wonder if there is a particular letter that gets pressed harder on a standard computer keyboard, on average, than all the others. Or a punctuation mark. There must be!

For example, does an exclamation point get whacked harder than a period? Or a comma?

What gets more forceful pressure: a semi colon or a colon? Surely, a colon. In a perfect world, a semi-colon would get pressed roughly half as hard as a colon.

And yet I have no data! This is my problem. Data is king, and I lack it in large quantities.

So, it's on to educated guessing: The I is probably hit the hardest of all letters, because we all like to toot our own horns. For punctuation, it's probably the exclamation point, especially when it follows the question mark. Otherwise, if my 35-plus years of watching people use a computer is any indication, the "enter" key is the one that's smacked hardest of all.

Planning to apply for an NEA grant will call this research "my art." 

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Hurricane Leg Approaching

Thirty years ago today, I became an uncounted casualty of the last hurricane to disturb the Massachusetts coast. It was a blood and guts event, as an airborne pane of glass found the middle of my right calf in mid-flight and nearly did me in.

I was given Last Rites, now called Annointing of the Sick (better messaging, according to a team of Vatican communications professionals), and was nearly pronounced dead. The Pope came to my bedside, declaring me a saint. There is now a hospital wing named after me because during my recovery I entertained sick children by popping wheelies on my wheelchair while juggling stethoscopes.

Some of the aforementioned isn't true, but what is true is that my favored right calf was sliced pretty much in half, and if it weren't for the efforts of drunk street people on Harvard Ave in Allston, I might not have survived. (In truth, the drunks just watched; other passersby helped).

Tourniquet in place, I followed that godforsaken hurricane (named Bob, not Leg) right up into Canada and gave it a piece of my mind, cussing it out while I bled all over the north country.

Hurricane Bob is now dead and gone, but I'm still limping along. How ya like me now?! 

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Local Boy Makes Good

Back in the day in Upstate New York, I could occasionally be found hanging out with some of the great upstate bowlers of that era. We'd hurl giant balls at pins set up at the end of waxed alleys, hoping to earn a strike and leverage our keggling prowess to catch the attention of one of the young lasses watching us. I was always the favorite of gals back then, what with my scintillating keggling traits: short of stature; flatfooted; significant bulk in the midsection. No doubt my opponents found my substantial hindquarters unnerving.

Plus I drank a little beer then. Bowling and beer go together like peanut butter and jelly.

This is one of the several things that connect me to a certain musical god named Bob Dylan. Bob bowled upstate just like I did. Not in New York, but in Minnesota. His team – the gutter boys – dominated the Minnesota teenage rec league. I recently learned this from visiting Hibbing, MN, which is Bob's (If I may) hometown. This is where Bob lived from just after kindergarten until he was through high school, with his dad Abe, his mom Eva, and his brother Thaddeus. And where he keggled.

Bob Bowled Here

Full disclosure, I don't actually know his mother's or brother's names. But I just "published" my guesses on the internet, and now some people are going to assert to others or in peer-reviewed journals that Bob's brother was named Thaddeus. "And his mom Eva used the same toaster as the famous blogger Patrick McVay!"

With 7 billion people in the world (wait – is it 9 billion yet?), odds are that eventually someone will utter those words. 

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My Tools

When I die, I’m going to leave a lot of tools behind, and I’m worried that you’re going to use them inappropriately and hurt yourself. Despite their colorful outer shells that draw you in for a closer look and beckon you to plug them in and give them a whirl, they aren’t toys. Several of them can easily cut off a limb, put out an eye, or burn you badly.

My guess is that this won’t dissuade my friends from engaging in a melee after my untimely demise. The tear-streaked faces of my wife and kids, still shocked that I’m no longer here on earth and pretty certain I’m not anywhere else either, watch in disbelief as you guys come waltzing into my basement with a twelve pack and start grabbing at my chop saw.

Then, during calling hours, a line forms leading up to the casket, where I can be found laid out with a weird smile on my face, thanks to the misguided work of a new, young undertaker. You utter a few polite remarks to my family and hope to move on, but find that the greeting line is backed up thanks to an octogenarian who has knelt to pray over my dead body and then can’t get back up onto his feet. It’s awkward to be standing there and not saying anything more than “He was a great guy. Really, great guy.” So eventually you blurt, “So, uh, how many battery packs does his impact driver have?”

My personal opinion is that the family should just put everything out on the sidewalk and see who takes what. Bar clamps, pipe clamps, drills, levels, hammers, wrenches, torches, anything that wasn’t put into my personal pyramid in case I need it for the afterlife is sitting out there for the taking.

Of course, no duct tape will be left for the taking, as that is going to be part of my afterlife “tool kit.” But don’t worry – they carry it at most hardware stores. 

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