Let Me Be Perfectly Clear
I hear you calling, American voter, and I’m sorry to say that I have let this one go through to voice-mail. Just because we citizens of a nation that produces excellent fighter jet flyovers – the greatest flyovers before sporting events in the world! – can’t seem to decide on which candidates to nominate for the position that will ultimately authorize more flyovers doesn’t mean I have to step in and fix the mess.
Do you have any idea how many little league games I have to attend each spring? And how long each game lasts? These aren’t youth soccer matches that are contained within an hour. Little League games can go on for days, and keep in mind that there’s no beer served at Little League games. Plus I have a Red Sox 10th man plan this year. How can I have a meaningful run for the most awesome job in the world if I’m spending 10 games a year in the bleachers, where they do serve beer? (Also, note that I have a backlog of about 25 issues of the New Yorker to get through).
So for the good of my kids, Major League Baseball, and The New Yorker magazine, the answer is no, I’m not going to accept the nomination for either of the two main political parties – the greatest political parties in the world!
However, I hear Paul Ryan may be free.