Odiferous Conspiracy


When I die some 100 years from now, I expect to be eulogized as a forward-thinking entrepreneur who completely revolutionized the bar scene. While the average tavern entrepreneur in the late 21st century will still be pushing 4 ounce drinks at steeply inflated prices by hiring female servers and stuffing them into bustiers, I will be selling you, at a far lower cost, nothing but aromas.

Come into Pat’s Scotch Den™ and enjoy a 12 year old Macallan Gold. Or maybe you'd prefer a Balvenie Single Barrel 15 Year? No need to designate a driver when you come to any of my liquor establishments: I have developed special barware that allows you to enjoy a whiskey’s bouquet without being able to drink it! Oh, people will try to imbibe, no doubt, but that cleverly-designed lip in each of my tumblers catches every last drop of liquid.  Imagine the money you’ll save because the aromatic experience requires just half an ounce of actual fluid. Meanwhile, I’ll earn scads of cash by overcharging even for that.

Rivals who would see me ruined will send undercover agents to see if I’m recycling the undrunk liquors back into their bottles, as though a professional like me doesn’t realize that aerating changes the character of fine alcoholic beverages. Nice try, "Moms For the 45th Amendment!"  (45th being the one where they specifically deny the right of miners to sniff whiskey).

Worried about blowback and rioting when miners and minors discover, at precisely the same moment, that the 45th amendment is riddled with typos and spelling errors, and vent their anger by protesting me and my fragrant plot.

Coming Soon: New Guide To Plumbing
Winnie Like A Donkey


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Tuesday, 01 December 2020

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Trumpian Tweetage Haiku Continuum



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