PATRICK MCVAY

WRITER

My Musings

This text is currently hidden by a css change. Alow's me to go directly to the category description because it is editable in the front end,
Font size: +

Oh Canada!


I'm starting to wonder if our neighbor up north decided to throw in the towel. "You guys go ahead without me," says Canada, rooting around in an old metal cooler for an ice-cold Molson's and cracking it open with its teeth. "I've had a nice career, but it's time for me to put up my feet and watch 'Hockey Night in Canada'."

Hockey Night in Canada? It's not even Hockey Week in Canada, thanks to the wicked Coronavirus variant du jour, Omicron. 

This bodes not well for my Canadian family. I sent a friendly, personal letter to the maple leaf country in the spring of 2021 asking if it would be a terrible imposition for it to verify that my children were bona fide citizens, able to travel freely across the frozen tundra and maybe attend one of the lower-priced institutes of higher education that Canada has on offer. Alas, no response. I had done the same in the spring of 2020 and waited more than ten months before Canada sent back a terse note rejecting the applications on technical grounds: "Your children's photos aren't dated."

Darned Canada and its bureaucratic red tape!

I didn't whine but sent applications anew with dated photos, knowing that arguing with such a large country would be a waste of time. I've tried to argue with countries in the past, and I always lose. Large nations have lots of lawyers who advise them to stall, and an inbox that no one monitors. Plus, Canada is too busy trying to figure out how to make the best use of newly melting artic ice to respond to my queries. The scheme Canada hatched to fill 2-ounce plastic containers and sell each as "a former chunk of iceberg" that is "refreezable" was thwarted when the original bottlecaps it ordered leaked, undermining the marketing message that "tubes of melted iceberg make perfect stocking stuffers." Canada tried to get replacements before the start of the holiday shopping season but were stymied by supply-chain issues. Meanwhile, the ice keeps retreating and there is no room to store additional water. Serves you right, Canada!

I expect that our wintry pal next door will eventually come to its senses and will send me a response along the lines of, "We reject your applications on the grounds that your children's photos are out of date." Though technically true, this is only because Canada has been rooting around for more beer in the ice-filled cooler instead of processing my application.

I cling to a small measure of hope, given that as Canada is settling into its Barcalounger and reaching for the remote, the NHL is postponing all games for a week. Just enough time to open a few more applications and make good on my request. 

A New Wrinkle
Achoo
 

Comments

No comments made yet. Be the first to submit a comment
Already Registered? Login Here
Guest
Tuesday, 23 July 2024

 

 

Daily Haiku

 

Cats oft’ void their guts.

They cough out fur balls. They puke.  

We tread carefully.  

 

College Tuition

We dig ourselves a deep hole

Need a second job.

 

Now that I’m sixty

People think I’m a wise man

Probably, I’m not

 

I’m in my Fifties

But tomorrow I’m Sixty

Will need a sports car

 

My PCP Says

“Keep doin’ what yer doin’”

Prob’ly I should not

 

It’s St. Patrick’s Day

We eat beef that has been corned

Whatever that means

 

Robots and A.I.

I will make use of these soon

To do my taxes

 

Strange Oscar night end

Pacino failed to mention

Best pic nominees

 

Who’s this Katie Britt?

Scary. Wierd. We could have used

A Trigger Warning

 

Subscribe To The Blog

Produce This Audio Play!

Ever wanted to produce a radio play?  Think you have the mettle?  Read on!

Tag Cloud

Diseases Hand Planes Bodysurfing weather Canadiana Football Accounting Communication Channels Red Sox Religion Mom and Dad Syracuse Hawaii Email vacation Peacekeeping Mike Doughty Good Reads Radiohead coronavirus Allergies Godfather TV Food Big Shoes winter Teeth Sports Psychology Roommates I've Had People I know The Past Spoon the band The future Chowder Vaughn Quebect Brewing Peter Paul and Mary Real Estate Advertising midwinter vacations Grass Skiing soapbox rantings Barber Shops Stories I should write Ice Dancing Snow Guns high winds Rock Bands Hache Verde afterlife Hot Air Balloon Eating and Drinking Candy Cars My sisters Royal Stuff Joan Jett College Elvis Presley town square Soccer Ukraine the sea Climate Change Them Kids Beer Short Fiction Pats Halloween Music Guns and Ammo Bob Dylan Existential Crisis Higher Education Bunker Little League Yeast Imaginings My grandparents First World Problems Bicycles nukes Soup Audubon Bar Reveillon War and Peace the future Mustard BB King Things I've done Audio Motorists Bands I've seen tambourrine Knots Soul Coughing seasons cornhole Sugarbush Texting Ketchup Zoom New England Places I've been to Folk Music Golf Biden Skating Martinis Scotch and Sirloin Vaccines Weather Cats Mass General Hospital The Future Ticketmaster Rabbit Hole My Estate Drumming punk music My Parents Emergencies Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde Bikes Boston Eclipse Bands I've Seen Skiing Soviet Union Plastic Belgian Ales US Senate Hurricanes Brain Surgery England Earth Masks Canada Sports Butterfingers Christmas The Old Days Tom Waits Spice Girls Me NPR Coyotes Fiction Bill Monroe China Art When I die Smoke Meat COVID-19 Liz Phair Car Dealerships Stairs acerbic high school principal gathering throngs COVID Wind 1980s Politics As Usual baseball Reese's Peanut Butter Cups Putin Bands I haven't seen plan mid-winter vacations Cornhole star Dad advice Europe technology curling shoes Trump Head injuries Marketing Gimmicks Theater NFL Work