PATRICK MCVAY

WRITER

My Musings

This text is currently hidden by a css change. Alow's me to go directly to the category description because it is editable in the front end,

My Tools

When I die, I’m going to leave a lot of tools behind, and I’m worried that you’re going to use them inappropriately and hurt yourself. Despite their colorful outer shells that draw you in for a closer look and beckon you to plug them in and give them a whirl, they aren’t toys. Several of them can easily cut off a limb, put out an eye, or burn you badly.

My guess is that this won’t dissuade my friends from engaging in a melee after my untimely demise. The tear-streaked faces of my wife and kids, still shocked that I’m no longer here on earth and pretty certain I’m not anywhere else either, watch in disbelief as you guys come waltzing into my basement with a twelve pack and start grabbing at my chop saw.

Then, during calling hours, a line forms leading up to the casket, where I can be found laid out with a weird smile on my face, thanks to the misguided work of a new, young undertaker. You utter a few polite remarks to my family and hope to move on, but find that the greeting line is backed up thanks to an octogenarian who has knelt to pray over my dead body and then can’t get back up onto his feet. It’s awkward to be standing there and not saying anything more than “He was a great guy. Really, great guy.” So eventually you blurt, “So, uh, how many battery packs does his impact driver have?”

My personal opinion is that the family should just put everything out on the sidewalk and see who takes what. Bar clamps, pipe clamps, drills, levels, hammers, wrenches, torches, anything that wasn’t put into my personal pyramid in case I need it for the afterlife is sitting out there for the taking.

Of course, no duct tape will be left for the taking, as that is going to be part of my afterlife “tool kit.” But don’t worry – they carry it at most hardware stores. 

Continue reading
  875 Hits

 

 

J'Biden Era Haikuage

 

People's Arms. That's right!

200 million shots

In 100 days

 

We are good people

But we still have far to go

Repair. Restore. Heal.

 

There's nothing new here

The Affordable Care Act

We're restoring it 

 

America's Day

Democracy is fragile

The world is watching 

 

Strategy is based

On Science, not politics

Truth, not denial

 

 

Subscribe To The Blog

Produce This Audio Play!

Ever wanted to produce a radio play?  Think you have the mettle?  Read on!

Tag Cloud

Syracuse Bob Dylan coronavirus My grandparents Stories I should write Martinis The Past Religion soapbox rantings cornhole Car Dealerships People I know Snow Guns Bunker Coyotes Boston Red Sox Stairs Climate Change acerbic high school principal baseball seasons Hache Verde the future Spoon the band Hand Planes Pats Ukraine Rabbit Hole Allergies Soul Coughing Grass Skiing Fiction Soccer Christmas Ketchup Bicycles curling shoes Accounting Theater BB King Earth When I die Head injuries Quebect Food Mom and Dad Good Reads Joan Jett Higher Education New England midwinter vacations Golf Bands I've seen Soviet Union Folk Music Scotch and Sirloin Peacekeeping Roommates I've Had NPR plan mid-winter vacations Art Weather Elvis Presley NFL Guns and Ammo Belgian Ales Diseases Zoom punk music Them Kids Things I've done My Estate Tom Waits Trump COVID-19 Halloween Royal Stuff Eclipse Liz Phair Knots China My Parents Butterfingers TV Audubon Bar Skiing high winds Skating The Future Dad advice Me Canada Communication Channels weather tambourrine Ticketmaster Mustard Beer Bodysurfing Big Shoes The Old Days Hurricanes Eating and Drinking gathering throngs Reese's Peanut Butter Cups Wind afterlife Work Bikes Hawaii the sea The future Brain Surgery Email Football Godfather Rock Bands Reveillon Cats Biden town square Audio Mike Doughty Soup Texting nukes Spice Girls Sports Music Europe Yeast Advertising vacation Putin Vaccines Mass General Hospital Hot Air Balloon Drumming Cars Candy War and Peace Cornhole star Bands I haven't seen 1980s COVID Barber Shops Motorists Existential Crisis First World Problems Bill Monroe Sugarbush Imaginings technology Politics As Usual Plastic My sisters Marketing Gimmicks Bands I've Seen Chowder Vaughn US Senate Ice Dancing Canadiana