PATRICK MCVAY

WRITER

My Musings

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Clammy

Here we are, the midterm elections nearly upon us, so you’re probably wondering what I feed my campaign volunteers. They’re sitting there on the phones all day long and knocking on doors to beg for votes for my improbable candidacy, so obviously they need sustenance.

You imagine we’re doing a lot of bland pizza takeout, like in movies about improbable candidacies. Ha, what a laugh!

In the real-life front lines of bruising political battles like the one I’m embroiled in right now, well, let’s say I can’t be expected to get away with serving any old pizza. The American public is looking for my leadership, pizza-wise. It would be especially good if I could keep a constant flow of pizzas that I make myself in my backyard brick oven, my political tacticians keep telling me. “It’ll look good in photo ops!”

To hell with photo ops! Better than photo ops is getting Frank Pepe’s pizza right here in greater Chestnut Hill, MA for my campaign volunteers, who are, like, dude! Clams? On a pizza?

But that’s only half the story. The other half is the spinach, mushroom, and gorgonzola pie story. One of the great pizza stories ever invented.

And there you are in middle America thinking pepperoni is the national pizza of the USA.

See you on Tuesday.

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I'm Back

The number of blog posts I should have but didn’t enter in the past month is astonishing. Did you know that I saw Titus Andronicus in Chicago? And no, I don’t mean the Shakespeare play.

I’ll save that for a different date, as I have photos to share.

What about the “caravan” of Latin-American “invaders” (i.e. poor people)? What about the latest mass murder via military-style weaponry, this one involving a deranged anti-Semitic psychopath? And, oh yeah, what’s the status of my home addition?

Sorry, not blogging about that today. Instead, today is all about the Boston Red Sox, who took the World Series again, beating first the hated Yankees (the only playoff series I really cared about), then the “best team in baseball” – the Astros, then dear old Dad’s Dodgers.

I blame my lack of posts on the late nights watching 18 inning games and enduring Craig Kimbrell’s myocardial infarction-inducing ninth-inning “relief” pitching as he tried and mostly succeeded in saving games. But not before making me dread the appearance of his Whoville beard. 

The good news is that baseball is now over. Ergo, I get my life back.

A friendly heads-up.

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The Latest Dirt

In the next book I write I’m going to air all kinds of dirty laundry from inside the Whitehouse. The easy access I have to the inner workings of the current administration reveal information far beyond what you get in official presidential tweets. Not that the president tweets very much or shoots off inane opinions about world issues while sitting on the toilet. He’s not that shallow.  

But lately he’s been asserting that there is no dirty laundry to be aired, and that just blows me away. The presidential airspace is full of clotheslines designed specifically to air out the recently-cleaned dirty laundry. So, agreed, not actually dirty, but formerly dirty and now being aired out to dry.

If you’ve bought into Sarah Sanders party line that “this president has never generated a single piece of dirty laundry,” consider this: the reason you rarely see Melania is that the president has ordered her to wash dirty laundry and hang it out in the Whitehouse yard surreptitiously, behind cleverly-designed barriers that foil paparazzi cameras. Or else she can kiss that US citizenship goodbye, because he’s sick of her talking about bullying all the time. And no, he didn’t have sex with that trollop Stormy Daniels or any other hot babe porn stars.

Instead of this dirty laundry witch hunt, would someone please look into Hilary Clinton’s dirty laundry?

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Out Of Office

Thanks for your message. Sorry, I’m not available to answer your query. It turns out I’m away from the office.

What does that actually mean? Aren’t we all “away from the office” these days, emotionally speaking? What makes me feel compelled to wear my absence on my sleeve? And how about some details?

All I can tell you is that I’m not going to be able to respond to your email while I’m away. I’m not going to read your message on my phone whilst at the beach with my family. It’s just not my style. I mean, sure, if it was a big shot calling, like the president of the United States of America asking me to break a couple laws here and there (and the emails were marked “urgent”), I might notice and would quietly make a plan to undermine an election.

But otherwise I’ll get back to you next week.

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Trumpian Tweetage Haiku Continuum

 

 

NBC FAKE NEWS
The Harvey Weinstein Story
Look at their license?

 

Investigations
Republican Congressmen
Two wins now in doubt.

 

Dems love Sessions now
Same thing: lyin' James Comey
Saint-like. Really sick.

 

Russia: "nothing to
do with meddling." Why isn't
Hillary looked at?

 

The Special Counsel
Is UNCONSTITUTIONAL
I’ve done nothing wrong

 

 

The phony witch hunt

The soon to be released book
Looks like a big hit

 

Fake News Media

Together with the witch hunt:

My best poll numbers

 

“Caravans” coming

Must go nuclear option.

NO MORE DACA DEAL!

 

We don’t have a wall

Not going to have a country

FUND THE BORDER WALL

 

Trade Wars are good and

Easy to win. They get cute?

Don't trade; we win big!

 

Gun-adept coaches

Weapons-talented teachers

Instantly Shooting

 

Promote the Fake Book

Mentally Deranged Author

False Information

 

Now that collusion

With Russia: a total hoax

FBI/Russia

 

Kim Jong Un, I too

Have a nuclear button.

And my button works.

 

 

Tax cut/Reform bill

Massive Alaska Drilling

Incredible Year

 

 

United Nations

Sanctions on North Korea

World wants Peace, not Death

 

 

False Accusations.

Women I don't know. FAKE NEWS!

Collusion. Russia.

 

Army Navy Game

COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF'S TROPHY

Congratulations

 

Pelosi/Schumer

He's bad on Crime, Life, Border.

Vets. Guns. VOTE ROY MOORE!

 

 

Time Magazine Called

Prob'ly "Person of the Year"

I took a pass. Thanks!

 

The Christmas Story

Mother, Father, Baby Son

Jesus Christ. Bahrain.

 

Matt Lauer just fired

When will top executives

Be fired for Fake News? 

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