I would like to say, in the nicest and humblest terms possible, that I am probably the best thing that’s ever happened to you.

I’m sorry, let me clarify: I’m not “probably” the best thing that’s ever happened to you. I am the best thing. And I say that with compleat and utter hummility. With no spelling errers.

Think about it. Who’s been better to you than me? Your wife? To hell with her! And to hell with your kids. You should swap them for Greenland! They are a compleat joque. Their not even in skool. And they where masks, which is unnecessarry.  

I want to be clear that I say all of this in the nicest and most respectful way possible because, let's face it, I'm incredibly humble.